Gentle Curve

My name “Moon” is more than just my non-binary name. It has great meditative and symbolic significance in my life. Last night, after my psychiatry and therapy appointments, and after I processed these appointments in my Thursday evening twelve step meeting, I was lying in bed feeling disenchanted with the huge hurdles of my weight and smoking. I discussed these issues at length with my therapist, and was feeling disappointed in myself. I have made minor progress in smoking less, and I have culled my eating habits and have managed to lose a few pounds, but the truth is that I feel very powerless over my weight and smoking habits.

As I was lying in the bed staring into the bathroom at my very large round mirror, I noticed the light catching the beveled edge of the mirror. I noticed that on the segment of the round mirror that was illuminated, I could see only a gentle curve. I then realized that this is what progress looks like. If I was to follow the curve of the mirror, that was almost unnoticeable, I would eventually be on the other side of a circle. This is what real change feels like. We only acquire the smallest of momentum, and shift our lives almost unseemingly so. I do this when I am in touch with my whole being, round, large and beautiful. When we make drastic changes in our lives, there is often a kickback, or a balance to these drastic measures. We may simply exchange one addiction for another. To truly champion the hurdle of being overweight, or the addiction of smoking, I need to work with my whole round being. There is so much more going on in my life and in my person outside of these bad habits. It is easy for me to become disheartened and feel shame that I am an overweight smoker.

Powerlessness and overcoming denial is key to addressing any addiction. Every time I light up a cigarette I am going into some sort of denial. I may enjoy the smoke, or pint of ice cream, but it is short lived and ultimately causes bodily harm to myself. The symbol or image of a large round circle or moon, reminds me of the abstract and the holy. Addressing addiction is a spiritual shift. It is love and connection. It is ongoing. As I travel the road of making change, I find myself over time, even though it is a gradual and gentle change, becoming transported around a huge hurdle. I can truly transform if I put one foot in front of the other, do the next right thing, and pray for real change. Spirituality and faith are states of mind that I encounter as I learn to treat myself as a whole person and allow for this gradual progress, that may seem invisible at first glance. But if I travel the edge of this circle that is my life, I can realize the beauty of all that is held within this grand circle or moon.

It was easy for me to travel down a shame spiral when I was faced with the reality of being over three hundred pounds and smoking almost a pack a day. I have received a call back from the hospital telling me I need some follow up images taken of my right breast. This is scary and has me thinking about my smoking and that breast cancer covers both my family trees. But I do not live in the thin reality that all this pertains to. I am huge and sometimes invisible to the eye. I have faith and connection in my life. There is more to me than a blurry spot on an x-ray, or even my every day habits of eating and smoking. We are physical beings, but there are also emotional, spiritual, and mental aspects to the self. The physical realm is only twenty five percent of reality if all these said realities that I listed are balanced. I thus refuse to let fear, shame, or grief rule my life. I return to the reality that I am far far in the sky, surrounded by thousands of miles of space, and full of curves. I am reminded that life is about progress not perfection, and that a gentle curve or progression will eventually leave me completely on the other side of this journey that I travel. Change is not always visible when we are inside of it. This is why I have faith that all will be well. I will be well. I will heal and find my way around this huge moon. It is a journey, and every step is important. Gradually, I will find my way on this gentle curve of life.