Worthy

Today I am learning to have self worth. I have been searching for and attempting to realize this for some time now. I live with a disability. I love god and found christ back in 2012. I know that god loves me, and that I am lovable. My partner of twenty four and a half years loves me, so I must be worthy of love. Still, I fear I lack a sense of purpose and true worthiness. I have been in recovery actively for addiction for just over three years now. I have successfully abstained from alcohol for over thirteen months. I actively attend recovery meetings, and it was in these meetings where I came across a person sharing about how they were learning to love themselves. In the face of having a very debilitating acute mental illness, I have had a much bigger hurdle than some to know that I am worthy of love. But maybe not. Maybe all of us struggle in this way. Perhaps it is a common thread amongst humanity, that we must build self worth, and realize self love.

I have a lot to be proud of. I am on medications that work very hard in my body to stabilize my chemical imbalance. I am a writer and have a book and a blog. I support my friends and family with the wisdom I have learned from my struggle. I have a healthy partnership. Soon, we will have been with eachother for a quarter of a century, more than half my life. These are substantial things in which I can feel a sense of healthy pride and accomplishment. Still, I feel I must work on truly loving myself. It is a gradual awakening, and takes constant progress. I must love and accept my body. Having an eating disorder, and body dysmorphia from being non-binary/trans, this can be a huge hurdle. I must constantly accept limits when it comes to getting things done and working out. I do my best, and this is enough. I struggle with this however, and often wish I could do more.

I have immense gratitude for all that I have. My needs are met regarding housing and finances. As the cost of food and housing skyrockets, having these needs met is no small feat. I have a lot of compassion for those in the world that are struggling with these essential needs. When I frame my life as such, and with the accomplishments of stability with mental illness, the ability to achieve at the gym, my writing, my family, my partnership, and my sobriety, I can see how my life is full and that I am worthy. If I strengthen my relationship with god, if I work on spirituality in my life, I may be able to move even further into self love. In no way am I perfect, and my limitations remind me of this daily. It is incredibly humbling to be in an aging body, and to watch my partner age. We only have so much time. Health is a huge gift, and I must realize the amazing blessing of good health in my life.

Obviously, gratitude and acceptance send me down the road of self love and self worth. When I become still in meditation and prayer, I can bring gratitude and acceptance into my body and spirit actively. Twelve step meetings are another way I do this. As I listen to people share, and share myself, I sit with all of the feelings that come up. I actively achieve compassion and acceptance as I sit there and absorb what is being said. I have the added bonus of connection and sometimes even friendship. Meetings are a huge part of my life. Yesterday, I was feeling gloomy, and I got to witness how being in several meetings throughout the day lifted my spirits and completely reoriented my state of mind. I am able to be vulnerable while reflecting on the process of learning to love myself. I also get to watch as others learn to love themselves more. I have immense gratitude for these meetings, Steve, my family, a body that can work out, and money for food and shelter. Nothing is lacking. As I develop a stronger spiritual countenance, I learn and increase my self worth day to day. As I sit in the stillness, as I sit in the emptiness, I learn to know that without any of it, I can love myself and know I am worthy.