Over the Top

Over and over I try and tell myself that I am enough, that I do enough. Somehow, I have developed a complex in my adult life where I do not achieve this, or at least I think I don’t, and this results in me trying too hard. As I fail to tell myself good job, or acknowledge my best, I push myself over the edge. I may burn out at the gym, take on too many service positions, or over achieve at a job or volunteer position. Having limits on what I can achieve with my disability, I am certain that my best isn’t good enough, so I lie to myself and go a little harder.

I believe that Faith, Spirituality, or a belief in God, is there in life in order to know that we are good enough and that we are loved. When we fall victim to our addictions, whether it is an eating disorder, alcoholism, drug use or another, we essentially do not love ourselves, or as I am suggesting we do not have faith in a higher power, God, or the small voice within. We are not good enough. We want to die or throw our life away. We abuse ourselves to the point of extinction because there is a lack of God or spirituality in our lives, that basically tells us we are good.

When I push myself too hard, (and this truly began in my youth), I am clinging to the idea that my best is not good enough. The only resolution for this conundrum, is to love more. In my unique situation, I may even need to procrastinate more, or even practice sloth. I have written on this endlessly on my blog, and I am no stranger to this topic. I believe that what created my chemical imbalance in my brain or body, was pushing myself to the limit. It was not recognizing that I had limits. When I was a teenager I was a thrill seeker. I snuck out at night at rode my bicycle miles and miles in the dark to my boyfriends house. I snowboarded down peaks that were off limits, and hiked beyond the chair to catch untread powder. I climbed mountains literally running up them with a huge pack on my back. I swam too far into the open lake where boats could have annihilated me. I took took seven courses my first semester in college, auditing two as five was the limit. In that particular situation, you can understand how I would not take advice. I was invincible, and I could do anything. This resulted in my having a mental illness that would plague my entire adult life and is still very much with me at the age of 43. To this day, I am known to overdue things and not give myself rational due credit for what I have already achieved. With my therapist, we coined the phrase, “achievement disorder”, and this very much has to do with ego.

We have suppressed egos and are practicing something called reverse pride when we decide to let our addictions take us out. My issues with achievement and my eating disorder were there with me in my youth, and this is essentially the stuff I am made of. It is my greatest challenge to talk to myself and tell myself that I do not need to overdo things. It is love, god and faith that are going to bring me to a place where I truly believe that I am good enough and that I do not need to do more. Harnessing the cardinal sin or character flaw of sloth is an example of how sometimes there are answers in the shadows. Not all of our very human tendencies such as anger, greed, lust, sloth and pride are bad. We do not need to rid ourselves completely of these and become totally pure and clean. Rather we need to understand our natures, and balance what is out of balance in our beings, so that we can create space to let this love, or the light of God into our lives. Lusting after ourselves or another may bring body acceptance. A little greed may let us save so we can help someone in our family, sloth may help in becoming restorative after too many workouts, pride in ourselves may erase shame as it does in the LGBTQIA+ movement. So I do not need to strive for this perfection any longer, I will never be white, clean, pure and perfect. Nor will my body or the floors in my house.

I need more spirituality in my life so that I can love myself where I am at, and so that I can reward myself for my accomplishments. This is important for me to learn at the ripe age of 43. Accepting the shadows and flaws loosens the ropes that bind me.