Gentle Shine
When things shine bright, there is an even greater shadow. I myself prefer a crescent moon, just barely peeking out light during the twilight, as I saw a couple of nights ago. The sky was a burnish orange, and faded into a dusky blue. It held a fraction of a moon, gently basking over the horizon, just waiting to follow the sun. I fear that in my life, when I begin to shine too brightly, I am at the mercy of my shadows leaping up and grabbing me from behind. For this reason, it has felt wrong to have too much money, work too hard on my career as a published author, and uncomfortable to be a performer of music on stage while asking the attention of the audience. These are just mere examples of my ego becoming over inflated. The concept I am wishing to explain and explore, is even more abstract, if not also quite literal.
Balance is of course the explanation that I cling to for a healthy existence on this planet. A monk once explained in a video I was watching, that when we come across something we like, we say “don’t pull”. When we come across something we don’t like, we say “don’t push”. The idea is that as we push or pull, it creates a momentum for what we are dealing with to then balance and swing the opposite way. When we push something away, it swings back and hits us in the face. When we pull something towards us, it desires to swing back away from us with even greater momentum. So, I wish to stay neutral. Our universe helps us retain balance in our lives if we remain sentient, and feel our way through the cosmos. When I am attracted to something, I can respect it without pulling it towards me. When I have aversion, I can respect it enough to not push it away, creating shadow, an energy force, or friction in my life. There are ways around pushing something away. I can pray and try to better understand a situation with compassion. And when I like something, I don’t need to own it or become possessive or greedy. This attachment also has the ability to cause me suffering. When the moon becomes increasingly bright, it creates dark shadows all around.
It has taken me decades to come to the place where I truly wish to live a humble life. I am happy to have been blessed/cursed with mental illness that results in me being disabled. If I don’t push this away, as I did for many years, I can respect it for what it is. If I resist my fate, a hole appears that causes me grief and pain. Through acceptance of living each day right where I am at, I can begin to see the blessing of living simply. Most of all, I don’t wish to become somebody that I am not. I have strived, to hold a job or career, become noticed as a painter, and have published my writing. I am grateful for what I have accomplished. All of it was in the wake of living with an acute mental illness. Somehow, next to the shadow of my disability, my accomplishments shine ever brighter. Now, I lack the desire to strive and shine. I wish to be like the crescent moon, out only briefly at dusk, following the path of the sun in alignment. I am still there in my fullness, but it is not dark all around. Rather, I too am basking in the glow, and my light is there regardless of creating a great scene.
When we cease to shine brightly, creating shadows all around, we begin to feel a glow from within that is sustainable, that fuels our creative souls and spiritual beings. We find that doing service humbly for others may not bring us glory, but it does fuel our spiritual coffers. As I grow older, I am content with so many things. I do not feel the need for great attention, and I crave to understand things on a deeper level. I can actually wrap my brain around what this monk said about aversion and attraction, and implement some of his wisdom in my life with ease. I still shine brightly, but I share myself and my light in a sustainable way. I do not lose myself to addiction, depression and anxiety. I do not give way to lust or greed. I become increasingly balanced. In this lack of ego, I find a balanced ego. I am right sized, and I have enough. I am content with a gentle shine, and I can respect myself and my surroundings right where we are at.