Love and Stillness

I asked my partner yesterday why he loved me. He responded with, “That is not how love works.” That is the nature of love. Our simple minds can’t fully comprehend love. At least not cognitively. Love is essence. Love is beyond the borders of control. In the program we talk of giving our life over to the care of God as we understand Them. What does this mean? I believe it has something to do with love. When we live life in fear, we live outside the realms of Faith and Love. In active addiction, our actions are based on fear.

Lately, I have been very busy and very tired. I have a busy week ahead of me of three days in a row filled with medical appointments, one that is off-island. Tuesday, we take the Ferry boat over to the mainland, spend all day driving and shopping, as well as seeing Steve’s neurologist, and then get in line for the Ferry ride home. It is not often that we do this, and both of us are disabled. Then Wednesday and Thursday, I have medical appointments on Island. I had fear and anxiety around this coming up, because I was already exhausted from lots of gym workouts, chores, and family and friend time. Lately, I have been trying to make time for everything. Yesterday evening, between 4pm and 6pm, I finally rested. I am taking today and tomorrow to rest up. I could go to the dump this weekend, the gym on Monday, but I am attempting to proactively prepare for having the energy I need this coming week. I also started my period today, and lately my periods have wiped me out. It would be smart for me to take today and tomorrow “off”.

In my three meetings yesterday, I processed all of this. It was suggested by a fellow that I was experiencing fear and anxiety. So, how do I give my life over? How do I live in love and not fear? I must stop and be honest with myself first. I must admit that I am tired and that I need rest. I must accept that there are chores that will be left undone, or gym workouts skipped. I must put off seeing friends until next week. Gratefully, I got time with my niece on Friday and Saturday this week. Unfortunately, I missed seeing her for a period during the pandemic, because my partner is so compromised. I missed part of her growing up, and she is growing up so fast. At times, it can feel difficult to spend time with her, if I am already tired and worn out. This is when I take it day by day, and turn my life over. She loves me so much, that she accepts me right where I am at. I would give my life for her. I truly love my niece. But, the lesson is in her loving me back. Because she loves me, she accepts me, right where I am: dogs, cigarettes, mental illness and all.

So, love must be about acceptance. When we accept right where we are at, we give our life over to love. I must not fear stillness, deep relaxation, and contemplation. When I am tired, and I allow fear and anxiety to separate me from love and god, it is harder to move myself into a place of deep contemplation and relaxation, but this is what I desperately need. Today, I plan to rest. I will write, meditate, laze around, and get still. This should bring added perspective into my life. I may begin to see that I am worthy, and from there, move into gratitude, acceptance, and eventually Love. Love cannot be explained. It can only be felt. When we feel love, when we are in love, we understand it. It remains beyond the analytical mind. It remains beyond our need to control things. When I lay my addictive tendencies down, I create space for love to enter in. I am ready to do this today. I pray that the essence of love will fill me up, and that it will fuel my coffers. Then, I can continue to find peace and serenity even in life’s busy moments.