The Center of a Flower
“Desire is will. Every strong desire has a great deal of will locked up in it; the problem is that usually we do not have any control over it. In a compulsive desire, all that will goes into satisfying only that desire. Every time you can turn against a strong desire, therefore, it immediately strengthens your will. You will also find your physical and emotional health improving, your relationships deepening, and your energy increasing. These are signs that you are going forward. The desire to go against selfish desires is the surest sign of grace.”
— Eknath Easwaran
Grace or peace; I have found abstaining from certain addictive things in my life brings me to a place of peace and a feeling that I am moving forward. Compulsive desire is something I am familiar with, especially with food, but at times in the past with alcohol, sex, and even caffeine. Day to day, I have to work on my desire to eat just for the sake of eating, and to make sound food choices for my health. I attempt to avoid sugar and gluten. I am not always successful. I also fight the urge to smoke. Sometimes I give in or give up, and I feel that I do not have a fight in me. But I recognize my addictions, I talk about them, and I hope. I hope that there is a better life and future for me.
The concept that desire is will, is interesting to me. It feels like reverse will, or that when I resist my desire, I unlock hidden potential and hidden will power. It is unclear to me what causes addictive behavior, and some say that it is merely genetic. If so, have we been fighting this all along, as addicts, even as children? Is that why at fourteen when we have our first cigarette, drink, or make out session, we feel we are sprung? At a very young age, I suffered with the psychological addiction of an eating disorder. It was a choice I made at fourteen, after reading about it in a magazine. I became addicted to not eating and being thin, binging and purging, and exercising extensively. I tried to give up this behavior at sixteen, and soon became depressed. I also suffered anxiety, and had a panic attack in the wake of trying to recover. So much was packed into my experience as a young teenager, that It is hard to believe I made it into good colleges, and attended college for about a year. I listen to folks in my recovery meetings discuss how they started drinking at twelve or fifteen, and never stopped. I didn’t drink or smoke in college, and I was not sexually active until I was nineteen, but I soon became a drinker after leaving college and after a couple stays in the psych ward.
It saddens me that my life was derailed in this way. So many of my peers went on to make great successes. I reckon with these feelings every day. But I find solace in my meetings and with my peers. I hope that giving up the substances that I have will bring new strength to my life. Perhaps I will unlock hidden will and health as I refuse to give in to my compulsive desires. Perhaps I truly am a sensitive person with many gifts. It is never too late. We tell this to newcomers all of the time.
I still struggle with selfish desires. Anger, one of my strongest compulsive desires, has lessened greatly with giving up alcohol. By giving up the desire to drink, I have found emotional health. My relationships are deepening. My health is improving. I am going forward with my life. Simply living the day sober and without alcohol, I am becoming more in touch with my feelings. I am not running away from these feelings any more. My meetings help a lot as well. I am in recovery. Recovery is defined as: a return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength. I am not sure that I have a normal to return to. Not with my history, my long history, and my now diagnosable chemical imbalance. But I can try, I can work toward stability and I can muster all of my strength to move forward with mental health and stability. Those of us with compulsive desires understand this. Perhaps we do have a hidden will locked up in our desire. If this is so, it may also be true that we have heightened sensitivity and creativity that if nurtured can result in exquisite gifts. This is what I seek when I write or create. I stay close to the issue of recovery in my writing and creating, I hope to raise awareness in myself and in others.
Attending meetings, continuing to abstain, attending therapy, and writing about my mental health and addictions, keeps me grounded and centered on who I am. I do not have to be more. Simplicity, grace, and peace do not require stature or money. As I remain stable both living with schizoaffective disorder and with an array of addictions, life begins to unfold around me as if I am living in the center of a flower. All I need is to hold tight within this flower and let it expand. I speak my truth in the effort to keep my head in the game. I have been here since a young age, and this is who I am at the core. I believe I will find stability and peace, as I push back and accept my desire, and discover that I have an extraordinary will and peace inside of me.