The Road of the Gifted

Recently I suffered with a depressed mood. I was triggered into my shame and it lasted for a couple of days. Shame is typically sadness and anger combined. Because I suffer with schizoaffective disorder- bipolar type, moods have traditionally been a part of my experience, hence the bipolar part of my diagnosis. In years past this was defiantly the case, often exasperated by alcohol (a depressant), but I have not experienced this type of mood issue for some time. In my recent episodes in the years 2016, 2018, 2019 and 2021, I did experienced some mood issues. Typically during these episodes the mania was heightened with angry outbursts coupled with psychosis. I do not remember experiencing a lot of sadness or shame. What happens when I experience a strong emotion such as this is that my emotional dial goes from zero to eleven and then gets stuck there. Instead of suffering for a couple of hours as most people would, It can last for a couple of days. I was able to work through the feelings. I have had many lessons in emotional sobriety, which simply means working through and dealing with difficult emotions. I feel much better having come out the other side.

It is a reminder that I have an illness, and that I must watch over my life very carefully. I am diligent about medications and sleep, and I do my best with diet and exercise. I also have given up the substances of alcohol and caffeine, and I believe this brings some relief to my already stressed system. Years ago, when I would drink heavily in my twenties, I remember having “emotional hangovers”. Basically, my mood disorder was triggered by my imbibing in the depressant of alcohol, and it would take me at least two days to recover and work through these symptoms. Difficulty with moods was my normal for over a decade, possibly two. I still drank in my thirties, but at 37 when I struggled with a psychotic episode after my illness was in remission for nine years, I decided to look at my drinking. I had mellowed out over the years, and I often opted out of drinking because I was driving or because I thought it would be good to have a break. Still, drinking by 37 had become an entrenched habit and pattern in my life. I began to cut back more seriously, and at 40, in 2019, I entered a recovery program to help me stop.

My meetings have become a huge part of my life. I enjoy the rooms, on Zoom mostly, very intensely and feel at home there. Still, I am a mental health patient first and foremost. Stopping drinking has been a huge and sound decision that helps my stability and mental health immensely. Mostly, I don’t think about alcohol at all, but I can find myself romanticizing the drug when I am in the company of old friends I used to drink with. Giving up caffeine was very difficult at first. I went through withdrawal and had some bad headaches. I can crave a cup of coffee, but similar to alcohol, and almost more so, I have made this commitment to not partake in caffeine and I am committed to that decision. Recently, I made an order for a coffee substitute mushroom drink online. I did not realize that it had caffeine in it, but soon was able to correct my order to a chicory flavor that was caffeine free. They were very helpful, and I am excited to receive this power supplement in the mail so I can start my daily dose of ‘Ryze’. I can rise with it every morning. The benefits of the multi mushroom beverage range from immune support and gut health, to balancing blood sugar. I am pre-diabetic due to my medication, and I take metformin for this and watch it closely in my bloodwork. Supposedly this mushroom cocktail can help with managing my blood sugars naturally. I also struggle with energy and clarity in the mornings; part of the reason that I was so addicted to caffeine. This too may be from my medications. I look forward to seeing how this mushroom tea drink may help me with natural energy every morning. If not, we can always try one of the myriad of brands that have popped up over the last few years.

Suffering with mood issues is exhausting. Whatever the issue, depression and sadness, anger, or fear and anxiety, all of these issues become increasingly out of balance when one is diagnosed with mental health issues. Most of the time we need or could use medication to help us and to make our lives more functional, easier, and increasingly balanced. When medication works, it helps us strengthen the neurotransmitters in our brains related to stability, and then we need less medication because our brains have healed. If we never seek help, and never correct our negative patterns and brain wavelengths or unbalanced and injured neurotransmitters, we run the risk of getting worse. I am an advocate of medications, but there are also other things we can do naturally like take supplements, exercise, eat well, sleep well, drink lots of water, quit caffeine and alcohol or other substances, and the list goes on. We are the active agents in our wellness and recovery. We make the choices and take the action that puts us back in the game. It is okay to admit defeat and that you need help. This is the first step on the road of recovery.