YOLO

You only live once. It is easy for me to forget that I have lived a good life when I am tempted to put myself down and compare myself to others. I didn’t graduate college, I don’t own my own house, my career was short lived, I don’t have kids. It is silly really, because I have so much. I am realizing this now better than ever. Steve and I have always just lived. For years we would drive to the mountains to let the dogs run free on the river beds, and went camping regularly. We ate out in Seattle at restaurant after restaurant. When I was in my twenties, we partied and made friends in the restaurant industry. We have had and loved and buried many pets. We definitely lived well. Now that we are older, we have slowed down and leaned into recovery. Steve has had a myriad of health issues, and I have had to focus on my mental health. Life became about slowing down and nurturing our souls. I attend many recovery meetings, and year after year we are shedding bad habit after bad habit. It has become a goal and life practice to savor and preserve life.

It feels good. I walk, I write, I share in meetings, I meditate, I nurture myself and my pets. We are still in the process of giving up nicotine, but I have quit alcohol, caffeine and gluten. We are making huge progress with our tobacco addiction. I personally am doing my best to be healthy. Since my mid twenties I have exercised regularly despite my weight gain and medications that have many side effects including weight gain and lethargy. Actually, I have gained weight over the years, but it could be so much worse. I have been on many diets, but in the end, I find that it is only important to eat and cook well rounded meals, and just try to not overeat. Life isn’t easy giving up tobacco and nicotine. It is new, and I know it will get better. I see this in my meetings regarding alcohol all of the time. People seem tortured in the beginning of their sobriety, but as the months and weeks stretch on, they begin to settle down and learn to live with themselves. It is going to be okay.

I am glad that I lived an adventurous life. I’m glad that I made love when I did. I don’t regret my drinking days, I reflect on them fondly because we just had so much fun. I only live this one life. I am so grateful for so many things. Getting older is not that bad, and now that I am 45, I can reflect back on my twenties and thirties and see that I lived very well. I have love. I have loved and buried six dogs and three cats. These lives touched me deeply and taught me so much. Animals have a tendency to help us live for the day and the moment. They have shorter lives, and as they pass, we must reflect on our own mortality. In the last several years I lost two dogs and a cat. I loved them until their final days and then buried them here on the property. I have four dogs and two cats buried on this property where I’ve lived for almost ten years, and for several years when I first moved to the island. These animals taught me so much about living for today.

I don’t know if I believe in reincarnation or heaven. Because of my illness, it is important that I live close to reality and what is provable. I am okay with that. This life has given me so many gifts. I believe in spirit. I believe that the afterlife is beyond our comprehension on this plane. I believe we transcend our bodies, our mortal form. Death is not something to fear. In many ways it is scary and gives us much perspective. In a way, in the face of death, our pain becomes louder, and echoes throughout our bones and our mortal form. Still, there is much to be alive for, even as we mellow out and grow older. In so many ways, on this healing journey, my pain has lessened and I have healed. I have more healing to do, but I am on a good path.

In my day to day in sobriety, I am learning to deal with difficult feelings. I am learning to not suppress or run away from my daily existence. It is important for me to live for today. It is so apparent as I get older that there is only so much time. I am so grateful for the full life I have lived this far. I suppose that it could be true that I only live once. This is all I really know in this moment. Today I will try to lighten someone else’s load. I will try and communicate my truth and sit with my feelings. As I get older, I will try to strengthen my experience, I will sit with the day and worship it as it descends and as it fades. In the stark reality that I face, as I comprehend the concept that I may only live once, I will seek acceptance, self care, self love, and compassion; compassion for myself and others. There may still be anger and rage, but as I nurture this body and mind that I have been gifted, I will do my best to metabolize these difficult emotions. I have today. I have myself. I can honor spirit, the gifts I have been given, and those I love, everyday.