Pushing Forward

I almost can’t believe I am writing this blog. A couple of nights ago was the longest night of the year. Last night we brought fudge and good cheer out to our local watering hole, and the next few days are just about preparing for Christmas which is about friends and family, candied fudge and good food. This month has been successful as far as staying somewhat motivated, but I have found that I have also developed a kinship with a rut. Besides getting out for a two plus mile walk every day with the dogs where I have at least one hill where I truck up with diligence, I have found it hard to motivate into taking care of my chores and staying awake and active during the day. This morning though, I had resolve to change my trajectory. I pushed myself out the door at 10am to do some childcare and bake cookies with my mom and my niece. I know that there may be a factor of medication still, even though it seems I should be through it. Sometimes I just feel like I am weighed down by something physical and I can relate to this being a feeling of being drugged. I also have had some sleepless nights and I wake often with intense dreams and find it difficult to lay myself back down. I have been experimenting with some calming teas and this feels like a healthy new practice. So today is about pushing through the desire to sink, a feeling that many of us may be feeling this time of year. It is a time for listening to the blues, lifting up our peers, and getting outside and just moving our feet despite the weather, darkness and a feeling of being depressed or tired.

One way that I have been working through this rut is to write every morning. I had stopped my daily practice of journaling and I have no parameters or strict way to do this. Somedays I write just one or two pages and the other day I wrote six. It is good to reflect and I feel this is a very helpful and healthy practice for me right now. Today I reflected that this rut might be bringing me to the realization that I really want to do something in my life that has deep meaning for me. I have found purpose in writing about my experience with mental illness, and I want to further this work. I want to educate and organize this community around mental health issues and by helping our fellow mental health consumers that may be struggling. I want to educate about medications and advocate for finding and having a support network. I want to start a support group that hopefully can be led by a professional of some sort, and put together a resource guide that will help people find the help that they need. Lists of services, therapists, programs, and most importantly Medication Consultation Nurses or Psychiatrists in the area. Many of these may be off island and may not accept the right form of health insurance but it is a start. I am aware that the resources in the small communities of the San Jaun islands are limited, but I know for instance the resource center helps provide transportation stipends for the low income that may enable someone to travel to where these doctors and nurses are.

I believe that working on this problem in our local communities would bring me great satisfaction. I have learned to live on less and I am able to work in this way without being compensated. The emotional and spiritual benefits could feed me in a way that I truly need to feel a sense of deep purpose. I am at the age where it is time to orchestrate my life in the way that is best for me. I have acknowledged that I am responsible for my choices and this also brings one the revelation that they are in power of making whatever choices they want. I am ready for this. Lately I have been feeling my age; in my soul and my body, but I believe motivating and helping others could really make me feel young again. I am young. For 2018 I wish to take care of my mental and physical health in ways where I am pushing myself to improve on this constantly, find meaningful work and to keep writing. The fact that I am able to have these clear revelations in this darkest part of the year, a time when many of us sink, shows to me that I am already doing this. Here’s to a marvelous new year of accepting, loving and pushing myself to be all that I can be.