Here's to the Water, Cheers!
“Everyone is a genius, but if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it is stupid.” -Einstein
The second sunny day in a row, and I am feeling blessed. I am also grateful because times have been challenging for weeks. Perhaps even a couple of months now. I have been unwell mentally. But my Doctor found out through some blood work that my levels of one of my medications was low, one that I know really works, and we have raised the amount recently. So, I am feeling a double standard right now. I can feel the meds working and I am grateful. But for a time I am over saturated and have the feeling of being drugged. This has been a challenge and I have had a few frustrated angry outbursts because of it. Today I can finally sense that I am coming out of the weeds. I can wrap my brain around working on my book that is still in progress, and even writing this blog, feels manageable. I have been walking every day for a week, at least a a mile and a half or so and I have noticed some changes my life and life perspective.
I found it challenging to work, and I have been suffering from mental health symptoms since mid-October when I was recovering from a two week long illness. So, I suppose it mostly has been the last six weeks that I have been dealing with this, but just over two months if you count the flu. I adjusted my life and my finances to not having a job. It has taken some time, but now I feel myself adjusting to the simple life of just taking care of myself. Somehow, when we push ourselves beyond our abilities, which I am prone to do with a major mental illness, we can start manifesting stress in our bodies. On these walks I have been taking I haven’t had a single knee pain, and I am finding basic health activities like drinking water, managing my sleep and participating in cooking meals, journaling and meditating more achievable.
The major lesson that I am assimilating is that it is okay to feel proud of yourself and just work on the simple things. These are actually the things that keep me healthy. I anticipate that the lack of stress will aid me in cutting back on smoking and I have been drinking very little or not at all. There is more energy for preventative health measures and less need for coping mechanisms that wear on us over time. What a lesson. This is basic, but it is hard to give up the things that feed our egos. As a young person this looks like going to college or working and achieving at a career. In many ways I had given this up, but not completely. Also, I have to apply this to my writing. I do not need to be aggressive about achieving book publishings, and I am not able to participate in things like National Novel Writing Month which is in November, because this is based around being under pressure and even manic with achievement.
Slowing down, not having money, is and can be a challenge but so so rewarding. I am healthier. And now I am starting therapy again this week. With my meds in order, I feel like I can accomplish anything, But not really. Without the mask of achievement-pushing and the adrenalin that goes along with this; the mask of drinking and hiding all of the pain, I am faced with my true self. I have an illness. I could call it a gift, but it is what it is. I refuse to be that fish trying to climb a tree, I will find my pond. But this takes courage. The courage to put up with the reality of feeling unwell at times. Of admitting that I am overwhelmed. Of going to therapy and healing all of the trauma and post traumatic stress that has followed me in this life from having schizoaffective disorder. It is okay. I am disabled and poor, but so is Steve. If we take care of ourselves, we still have a lot to offer to our family, friends and community. It is time to accept who I truly am, after all of these years. After all of these years of it being too painful to look at. I wanted to climb that tree so bad, as I get older I accept finally that I am a swimmer.