Awakening

It is an amazing time of year, by far my favorite. I have been sitting with difficult feelings for the month of January, and now am feeling release. It is a miracle that we make it through the winter months, and come out the other side. The daffodils and crocuses are beginning to burst forth from the ground, and grass has started to grow. I have gone for my first swims of the season. It is cold in the water, but much warmer than my cold plunge New Year’s Day. I feel a deep sense of gratitude. I feel an even greater sense of release. Imbolg, February 1st and 2nd, is just one of many solar holidays we celebrate throughout the year. It is half way between the winter solstice and the spring equinox. It is traditionally celebrated between sundown on the 1st and sundown on the 2nd. It is a time of stillness, and of observing awareness within myself. It is a time of hope. It is a time of recognizing endurance. It is a time of awakening.

Traditionally, I have a fire in the yard to celebrate Imbolg, but was not feeling one hundred percent these last few days. I chock it up to my menstruating and doing a lot of exercise in December and especially in January. So even though I did not have a fire, I was able to reflect on the holiday in stillness. I have been resting and it feels good. I struggle with rest, and for the first couple of days had to fight off negative thinking. I am practicing recognizing when my thoughts are negative, and stopping myself, then thinking something positive. We train our brains with our thinking. The more positive thoughts I have, the more I will see and recognize positive things about my life. This is also how medications work regarding mental health. The more time I spend stable, which I have my medications to thank for that, the stronger my neural pathways become, and the more likely I am to avoid symptomatic behavior.

Even though I did not celebrate with a fire, I did go for a cold swim on both the 1st and the 2nd. I swam for about a half an hour each day, then followed the swim with a hot tub. On the 1st there was blue sky on the horizon, and I was able to focus on this amazing blueness as I swam, and I was touched deeply and felt much joy. It may not have been sun, but the color hit a deep part of my brain and conditioning on a very instinctual level. As humans, we developed under a blue sky, and for millennium have associated good weather with wellness and joy. That is what it felt like. I have been in the grey for months now, and staring at the blue felt amazingly therapeutic. We have been blessed with some sunshine these last couple days, and I have been savoring the light.

Meetings have a similar effect on me. Sitting in a meeting and relating to people on a deep level about honest and sometimes difficult realities, I find my heart lifted and often walk away feeling happiness and joy. During Imbolg, I am able to put difficult things and feelings behind me. But I can still touch those realities, so I feel the contrast of emotion. I appreciate the dark time of year very much. There is an evolution and a cycle to our earth, and it exists for a reason. I simply adore the feeling of putting winter behind me, and entering the birth and rebirth of spring. Technically, I am celebrating the end of winter when I celebrate Imbolg. Spring does not start until the equinox in seven weeks time. Still, we witness the change that is upon us. The sun is moving constantly, and this brings about this subtle evolution. I am still cradled in a wintery embrace. I still have the sleepiness and stillness at my disposal. It is a time to reflect on all I have endured this winter, and to prepare for the spring, not yet here.

Stillness is another word I associate with Imbolg. The world is still asleep and has been for some time. But we begin to see subtle changes. I see these changes both within myself and outside of myself. There is a sweet balance there. Being both internal and external on equal levels. In the summer often we are very external. We are outside of ourselves enjoying sunlight and activity. I appreciate being inward. I embrace winter as it settles in. And right now I feel very settled. Awakening is right around the corner and it is an amazing time for reflection. In this reflection I can look to the subtle change that is all around us and experience hope. I can cherish the cycles of the earth, and know and believe that there is an end to our suffering.