Realism

“Realism is a thing!” - Lucky, the movie

I have struggled with reality at times in my life. In high school I started having delusions along with depression and anxiety. At eighteen I was hospitalized for a major psychotic break, though only for a couple of days. At nineteen I was hospitalized again for four days, and at twenty eight for several weeks. My illness was in remission for nine years, but then I struggled with psychosis in 2016, 2018, 2019 and early in 2021. I avoided the hospital, but struggled greatly. Because of this history, and learning to come back to reality, I have come to respect what reality is. Returning to reality, I have had to shed great delusions. I have had to reckon with the fact that all that I experienced was false, and was due to being in psychosis.

What is reality? Sometimes, even as sober mentally sound adults, we can still struggle with reality. Probably the first time I struggled with warped perception was when I was fourteen and came down with an eating disorder. In no way was I fat, but I believed I was. I think today the way I struggle most with reality, is in not giving myself credit and acknowledgement for all I try to do and succeed at doing in my day to day life. For one, living with schizoaffective disorder is a great challenge, and I deserve to praise myself for doing so successfully. I also volunteer five days a week with my recovery program, and am there for others who are struggling with addiction. I manage to be a good daughter, sister and aunt. I support and care for my partner who is disabled. I take care of a cat and dog and manage a household. All of these are amazing things. If I let my perfectionism and achievement disorder get ahold of me, I begin to enter the delusion about myself that I am unworthy. This is very far from the truth. I have value, and I am special. All of my day to day accomplishments lend to the fact that I am successful. This is true, this is reality.

Being right sized has it’s benefits. In humility and gratitude, I can find the correct size for my ego. Some people think of themselves too greatly, and some of us tend to think of ourselves too small. If I can hone in on the simple idea that there is a reality, and that realism is a thing, then I can add to this right sized ego. Part of realism is accepting the difficult moments in life gracefully. My partner has cancer along with the other disabilities of COPD, Neuropathy, and Spinal Stenosis. Life has offered its challenges in dealing with all of this for both Steve and I. If I am in the business of accepting reality for what it is, I don’t become upset by these facts. Death of loved ones is also something we deal with in life. But death is just another reality, if not one of the greatest realities that we experience. I am okay with that. If I can move towards acceptance regarding death, I can see that there is reality after death. I will be okay if I choose to accept reality as it is.

My perfectionism, along with my mental illness, is probably the greatest obstacle in me finding and appreciating reality. Luckily, regarding my mental illness, I have an amazing psychiatrist and am well adjusted to my medication. For these reasons, I have become stable, and I do not struggle with psychosis on a daily basis, the way I did between 2016 and 2021. For those five years I had to fight constantly to remove psychotic thinking from my life until we managed to get the medications just right. My perfectionism has me looking at all of the things that aren’t perfect about myself or my life and wishing things were different. Instead of taking a realist approach while observing the muddy paw prints on my white pergo floors, I can take a personal hit and believe that I am lesser of a person because I have not dealt with the floors and cleaned them. If I am more accepting of reality, I may even learn to appreciate the mud on the floors, because they make me think of my dog and how much I love him. I can be proud of myself and know that I will clean the floors eventually. I can also accept my body the way it is instead of being at constant war with my body shape while struggling through countless grueling gym sessions. I can enjoy the gym, but not turn it into a job. I can find acceptance and love myself exactly as I am this very moment.

Finding reality is akin to finding love and acceptance for myself and the way life has turned out. I can learn respect for what life has brought me. In a way, being a realist actually brings me closer to god. Who am I to judge the way things are in actuality, and believe that something is wrong with the way the things are. Accepting reality is very freeing. I have learned that I do not really appreciate fantasy very much, just as I do not appreciate being intoxicated. I have so much respect for reality, I prefer to be in the moment and revel in it. There may still be pain, but the longer I spend in reality, and the less time I spend running away from it, the easier it becomes to bear. Neutrality is a gift, and my personal judgment of anything is very much an achilles heal.