Sabbatical

Here I am sitting at my computer once again. I am writing a post for people to read in the hopes that they may find some insight. Right now, I am empty. I am a vessel, and I am open. I have started a sabbatical of sorts for my mental health. This time of year, psychosis and mania are hiding in a dark corner, waiting to show their faces. Out of left field I can be left feeling high, anxious, lucid, and headed towards fantasy that I cannot break on my own. It is a good time to rest both my body and my mind. All my life, late February to April has been a time where I struggle with reality and other symptoms. It feels good to be slow and natural. Waiting for a breeze to blow through me to move me to the next activity. I relinquish force and motivation. I let myself be on all levels, gentle and peaceful. I unfold and I uncoil.

This last winter has been built out of many stressors. To name a few, we dealt with Steve’s Cancer treatment in October and November. In December I walked my new dog every day, and November and January worked out at the gym. February I fell ill, and had a very difficult period. I have been dealing with the difficult realities of Steve’s health, and I have been pushing to stay as active as possible. Extensive exercise and the emotional stress of dealing with Steve’s health issues, along with possible menopause, and a new dog, is enough to push me over the edge if I am not careful. I love the gym, but the extensive exercise that I do, does create stress in my body. I have other possibilities to exercise around my house doing yoga or dancing, as well as walking the dog. It is feeling right to take a break.

I have a very serious diagnosis of Schizoaffective disorder bipolar type, and it is a miracle that I have been stable for three years, and have not been hospitalized in seventeen years. It takes a lot of work to manage a disability such as this. There are the massive amounts of prescriptions and vitamins that I take twice a day, and all that goes into refilling and keeping those prescriptions current. There are the regular visits with my therapist and psychiatrist. Now I am sober and this adds to my stability. Managing my sobriety, I do service five days a week, call my sponsor regularly, and attend meetings every day. I live with side effects, and have suffered through many adjustments which are difficult. I have processed a lot of trauma and stigma that I have faced having such a diagnosis. I write about my illness on this blog in the hopes that it will reach someone else who can relate.

It is important for me to step back and relax and soak in the reality in which I live. One could argue that I should always live this way. Why do I push myself so hard? Is it my perfectionism or my achievement disorder? All in all, the birth of Spring marks a time in my yearly cycle where I truly like to stop and observe the change that is upon us. There is new activity out my door and window; the chirping of birds and geese that have migrated here, the smell of the new growth of plant life, the visual of the sunlight and new green everywhere. If I slow down, I don’t miss a single day of the beautiful plum tree in my front yard and its transformation. Today, there is subtle pink on all of its branches, as it waits to push forth an abundance of color and blooms. The awakening that is everywhere, and inside of me as well, can be difficult for some reason. If I slow down and observe, I can take in the energy, and let it pass through me. If I am peaceful, this birth does not have to be painful.

Every year, the earth and world go through many cycles. These times can be sacred and transformational. If I stay a vessel, if I stay quiet, I can make the best of this most forceful of transformations that the earth goes through. We all want to awaken, we all want the sun and warmth to return. For some reason, whether it is my illness, my birthday, or just the exhilaration that comes with a warm breeze and new sunshine, I can get triggered into mania and psychosis as I have said before. Managing my illness is a full time job. It is important that I do for myself what I need to, to remain stable and out of the psych ward. As a vessel, as an observer, I can allow all the change that is around me to remain subtle and joyful. I can be at peace and be one with all that is changing around me and inside of me.