Sails

Pixabay

It is raining cats and dogs outside, and I am in the middle of a British Christmas comedy. I am also emerging from a 48-72 hour flu. This may have not been so intense, but just before the flu, I had spent three days recovering from a tooth extraction. I’ll admit this all took a toll on my mental health. In the midst of my fever, I had a severe panic attack, which spurned a couple day emotional wave where I burst into random tears and sobbing. Thankfully my health team and family were there for support. Thera flu and cough drops helped with flu symptoms and my very sore and dry throat. Still, now I am out of it, relaxing and laughing to some healthy and wholesome Netflix film. I made a new playlist this morning, and I am on my second Christmas movie of the day. 

One of the things that really grounded me as I was lying in bed for two days with the flu, was my cat and my dog. I may have been more present with my kitty as she is capable of sleeping on the bed and thus cuddling up against me. I will admit it was harder to pay attention and receive attention from my dog when the symptoms were at their worst. Bus it was like returning to home to awaken from my flu symptoms and find him there at my side. They are my children and continue to bring out feelings of gratitude and simplicity. 

It is imperative that I take a close look at how my mental health can escalate to an out of balance place when faced with stress. The truth is, that usually there is a gradual build, and the longer I ignore the beginnings of the increase of imbalance, the more extreme my critical times can become. I suffered with significant tooth pain, and have barely been able to eat for about a month. Then the traumatic extraction, and then the flu. I also began to attend the gym during this time. Perhaps when the stress to my highly sensitive person was lower, I should have considered the adding of the gym as a negative. And still I don’t regret it. I have to balance so many things, physical and emotional, when it comes to my mental health. I am sluggish in the morning due to meds. I have to give myself time to go number two in the morning as I allow for the gradual process of the prune juice to work, because I am severely constipated due to meds. This requires perfect timing, because I want to get out in the morning for a walk or a gym session. I am constantly overcoming small things to make my physical health better. It is a complicated equation. When do I relax and give up on things? This could sound like a good idea, but for the bigger picture I may find myself sliding away from goals, and that may cause my chronic situation to worsen. When one is managing an entire ship, and all that is included in the sailing of one, it can become blurry what is the wind that pushes the sails, and what are swells that rock the boat just a little too much. And when things begin to look out of control, the weight of the ship minimizes the effects of micro adjustments that also cease to have an effect in crises. Sometimes there is no amount of pushing against the tide that will sway her from losing control of her course.

So the storm that is wailing outside may be attune to what is happening inside my home, my body and my soul. Still, I have found the dry spot between the rain drops for now. Progress is being made in healing great and old wounds in my family regarding my mental illness, as I feel more capable of reaching out to them in crises. Mountains are being shifted. There is a clearing of the greater storm of my life showing its golden colors way off on the horizon of my journey. I am resilient. It is still terrifying when things go wrong, but I am surviving. I am riding the swells. I know that I am loved; by God, by my parents, by my partner, by my family, by my support team no matter how clinical, by my animals, and even by my friends. There is love to be had. It is the hard edges of anger and hate that must be softened to ascertain this illusive word. But I am here to tell you that it can happen. It takes a lot of effort, and it often is very messy and out of control. In the midst of the storm when we get our bearings, life seems impossible while lost in the moment. But you’ve got this. I’ve got this. And without the storm, without the waves, without the rain, I would not have found my way through the seas of life. I would not have the light at the end of the storm. I am really here. Worn, loved, hopeful, tired, beautiful.