“In the process of healing and gaining sobriety, salvation becomes not just something we believe, but something we begin to experience through the process of transformation through grace.” - Richard Rohr

It is true. My journey of sobriety has been a transformative process that not only requires grace, but results in grace. Right now I am working on a Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP) with my therapist. We are going to meet weekly and work through the 120 page workbook together. There are eight chapters about developing wellness through recovery, and one of the chapters focuses on developing a crises plan, of which I have been encouraged to assemble for some time. I worked on a separate set of papers yesterday for about an hour and a half, that is a crises plan printed from the NAMI website by my sister. It was bare bones, but contains crucial information that will help and ease my families concern when I am in the throws of an episode. I desperately hope that I do not have any future episodes, and because of the trauma of being severely unwell, it can be triggering to look at and focus on the most disturbing parts of one’s past. Bit this is me being responsible and thorough concerning my illness, which has surfaced these last six years many times, and this has been very hard for my family to witness and go through. Having a plan of action during crises consists of information about how to contact my care team, what medications I have taken in the past and am taking currently (and their doses), and what to do when certain symptoms of relapse occur in order to be of the most support, while I am not doing well. It is hard to write this all out. But I feel strong and capable and ultimately responsible as I am investing in my mental illness. I feel the power of grace.

Similar to entering sobriety after years of use, facing my illness and doing my homework is a doorway. It requires grace to walk through this door. It takes faith to know that there is a journey waiting for me on the other side of the door. This journey involves positive action to care for my emotional, mental and spiritual being. One must take that first step. The transformation of admitting that one is powerless, or that one must accept mental illness in their life, feels like grace. It requires grace, because it is not an easy step to take. In the mental health world the first step looks like accepting your illness and accepting treatment. This may not sound difficult, but when you are faced with a serious illness that is going to or already has derailed your life, perhaps for your whole lifetime, one becomes resistant. One may accept the bare bones of treatment and then live in denial. I am forty-two now, and am just experiencing the grace that has befallen me, while accepting that there is more that I can due to actively pursue wellness. Beyond sobriety, beyond taking my meds, I can work on my recovery actively. This has required me to stop pursuing other ego driven goals. This has required me to become completely humbled, as I become transparent and real with my family and let them in. And yes, there has been grief as I accept help from my family for the first time in over twenty years. The past struggle of my mental illness has been real, and I have felt alone. I have needed to do more than just dot the eyes and cross the tees of mental balance.

I am grateful to also have the tools of the twelve steps as my aids, and the support of AA meetings. Unfortunately we do not have mental health groups in my small community, but I did find my LGBTQ AA meetings online, so that may be exactly what I need to do to find peer support with my mental illness. Yet another door to walk through. And as I walk through this doorway in my mind, I feel the grace of transformation. I am humbled. God loves me as I am. Maybe I am enough exactly as I am, in my sobriety and as I pursue mental health recovery.

Active Grace