What a good feeling to be improving at the job of managing reasonable goals. I have discussed with my therapist, that I have an achievement disorder. She said to me that she really liked that term, and she was using it with some of her other clients. Right now, this looks like finding the ebb and flow to how I physically apply myself to chores and working out at the gym. One thing I have thought about for some time, is how my medications actually work within my body. The fact that my brain and body are working very hard at assimilating my psych meds, is important for me to think about. I am not this stable “naturally”. Within this brain science concerning my medications, the truth is that a lot is going on within my body while I am in neutral. That being said, it is very important for me to exercise in order to manage my weight, as Olanzapine, my newest medication, has a great tendency to cause weight gain. I also take metformin to manage my blood sugars, and to encourage me to eat less and have a balanced and healthy diet. I had the thought this morning at the gym, that if I employ addictive behavior at the gym and around my workouts, which I can be prone to because of my history with an eating disorder, I am not doing myself any favors. I may actually be setting myself up for continuous failure. Working out too much, can not only bring out addictive behaviors leading to burn out, it can set my mind up for failure, while strengthening the impulses to eat too much, smoke too much, or have craving to drink. I can use adrenaline to push myself. Finding equilibrium, has me finding the need to motivate, as a normal person would, while balancing rest with activity. It is so tempting to push myself too hard, because I fight with grogginess as a side effect. So I get too good at pushing myself forward, and I then become out of touch with my body. It is actually more challenging to work out a reasonable amount, because as I embrace the much needed rest and recovery time for my body while relaxing the way I need to, I don’t get to utilize this adrenaline. But as I said, if I use adrenaline to push myself too hard, I only strengthen the neural pathways of addiction.

What an idea! I am my worst enemy. I need to “strive” towards normalcy and regularity. As I allow myself to not get caught up in achievement, and as I work towards having more balance in my life while reducing addictive behavior, I have less lows. Those of us that achieve too much, or tell ourselves that more is never enough, also have deep darkness within our souls. We enter a never-ending fall into darkness within ourselves, as we know there is no top, so are constantly striving towards a limitless sky. One may identify with the word perfectionism. AA reminds us that we are to seek progress, not perfection. The truth is that if we tell ourselves that we are never enough, then we can never do enough; our resting place becomes a lack of inherent value while seeking perfect. If we have no value, we also become prey to addictive nature within ourselves. Nurturing a spiritual practice helps us realize that we are forever a work in process. We do not need to strive for the top. A ceiling exists, and it is there to protect us from ourselves. As perfectionists, we think that we someday, if we are good enough, if we are strong enough, can achieve that ceiling. Somehow we get so lost, that we lose perspective and we think that we should be that top. We lose the present. We are not ever going to reach the top. We are not supposed to. The Universe is forever evolving and changing. So are our bodies. So are our identities. Such is the nature of earth and our existence. Progress not perfection helps us to remember this evolution. Somehow, in order to evolve, we need to take time to rest. In order to listen to our selves, both spiritual and physical, we need to balance activity and rest. A Buddhist perspective teaches half good and half bad. Half activity and half rest. Half light and half dark. Half success and half failure. Why not? Why did they teach me in school that a 50% was an F? This is faulty thinking. Thank God I am not in school. School and I do not get along, and we quit commingling years ago in order for me to achieve wellness. Fifty fifty sounds like a blessing as well as a goal for me these days, not total failure. Total balance is not without its own challenges. Basically, when we have spent so long achieving the top and telling ourselves that we are never good enough, learning total balance becomes the real challenge. I accept this challenge, God. Help me to shoot for that F today. Let’s let it stand for “Fuck ya!”.