Emerging from Darkness

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My Psychiatrist mentioned the word onerous, and so I am going to reflect on that a bit. Onerous is an adjective that means “(of a task, duty, or responsibility) involving an amount of effort and difficulty that is oppressively burdensome”. In my AA program, we discover that working for and thinking of others above ourselves, is the focus of a good program. In step twelve, we learn that reaching out to and working with others keeps momentum and opportunity for growth and depth in daily living. As we abandon self-will, and embrace the will of God, we find purpose in selflessness and in ‘getting out of our own way’. We lose narcissistic tendencies, and we break free from the alcoholic insanity that took ahold of us in our addiction. 

Still, we must work on our selves. A helpful book that my mother is reading, discusses feeding our demons. This initially sounds counterintuitive, yet it makes good sense. Our imperfections and flaws are showing us the way. Our character flaws that we seek to let go of, and heal from, serve a purpose. When we are not perfect, we still can move within God’s plan. At times it is important for me to stop and focus on these inner demons and flaws, in order to learn and grow. Feeding my demons the food that they need, may actually transform them into something beautiful and useful; a guiding light and principle for understanding human nature. We may be flawed, but our flaws contain important information for us to ponder. It is vital to stop and feed my shadow what it needs, so that I can be useful to others. When a duty become onerous, we must return to our personal work. We all know, that when we take good care of ourselves, we are able to serve increasingly selflessly, our giving becomes pure, and is not weighed down by our own personal character defects.

Balance is the antidote unto onerousness. When I am taking care of myself, I am searching for the ways that my life is out of balance physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. In AA, we call this “keeping our own house in order”, and we achieve this by continually attempting a personal inventory. The truth is, that I have learned to feed my desperation, loneliness, fear, resentment and despair, the ingredients that they need for healing. I have done this by entering in fellowship while attending meetings and listening as well as sharing. I have taken a sponsor, and I am working the spiritual program that is devised in the twelve steps. I have quit falsely doctoring my troubles with alcohol, which was ‘starving’ my demons. If we starve our demons, they only grow and become increasingly oppressive. That is the analogy I am currently working with here. It is like loving your enemies. It only annoys them. My personal flaws and character defects are present in my life, to teach me more about myself. It is by looking at them and acknowledging their presence, by writing them down, talking about them, praying about them, and thus learning about what is out of balance in my life, that I take the first steps towards healing. 

It is good to step outside of ourselves. It is important to work with and for others. It is in giving that we truly learn about ourselves through what we have to offer. There are times, however, where tasks or jobs can become onerous. The beauty of living a spiritual existence, is that we become so good about tending our own personal selves, that we get to engage in the practice of working with others freely. This is a sign that we are emerging from active addiction. From great turmoil and suffering. From selfishness and self-will. From control and denial. From alcoholic insanity and narcissism. We are able to emerge from these places. It requires a delicate balance of both keeping our own house in order, and selflessly working with and for others. There is that word again; balance. I believe balance comes after we find faith. In order to be born from our chaos and starving demons, we must engage with a God or higher power. Until we learn to do this, we do not know how to approach asking for help. Perhaps it is this very awareness that feeds our demons and propels us onward towards self and community healing. First we find God, and then we find others. In this evolution, we bring back balance unto our own suffering. We get to wake up every day and start over, and God knows of our development and gently encourages our growth. We then learn about balance. Light and dark, good and evil, bliss and pain, self-love and self-forgetting. As we learn increasingly how to practice balance in our lives, we quash our demons and we learn about boundaries. Life ceases to be onerous. Rather it becomes a fountain that fuels our pathway. A pathway where we discover spiritual, physical, mental and emotional health and well-being.