Infinite Details
Relinquishing self-will is a constant journey. One of the ways that I have observed this recently in my life is in a very literal sense. I have found myself acting clumsily, and I even tripped and fell over the ottoman. I believe that this was an extreme example of letting go in a visceral sense. One could blame the many medications I am on that cause drowsiness, sluggishness and fatigue, but it felt more synchronistic and directly effected by me generally relaxing in my daily life. On the large scale, I have have given up the onerous duties and goals of working a job, attending workshops or schooling, and even pursuing self-publishing projects. It has been important for me to lean into the reality of my disability, and to gather my senses, in order to embrace disability and a humble existence. This has been a gradual process of acceptance.
On a more minute scale, I have simply relaxed my body and relinquished obsessing over details which include delving into daily tasks of cleaning and chores in a way that is all consuming. I have had more energy for basic tasks because I am embracing my disability and not working etc., however I still needed to surrender fully and learn more about giving up self-will and truly embracing the will of God. I have many challenges which include side effects and minor to moderate symptoms, and as I engage with faith and surrender, I have found my body relinquishing this “grasping” or control, literally. I began dropping things in the kitchen, and as I said, tripping once in my living room. Giving up control and self-will has allowed me to increase faith and surrender as daily mechanisms in my life, and I am sure I will adjust and become less clumsy over time.
I have become aware over time that almost everything in life can be explained in both the psychological and the physical. It is important to not rely too heavily on either. For example, one could say that I have gained weight because I am psychic and sensitive, and the extra pounds ground me on this plane and act as a shield. One could also say that my extra pounds are literally and solely due to eating too much and weight gain side effects of the psych meds that I am on. Both angles are realistic and both explanations feel valid. I choose to travel the middle road, and try in my own way, to incorporate both truths. I must ask myself; am I unwilling to put the effort in to lose weight because I feel more grounded with the thickness of my body? I have to explore that there is a psychological aspect to my physical frame. At the same time, it is important to look at how much I eat and what effect my medications have on my physical health. The realm of mythos can add a lot of color to our physical realities. Often doctors don’t have the time to discuss or consider our psychologies, and I believe that if they did, we may be able to surmount hurdles that seem insurmountable. Being overweight is just one example.
Relinquishing self-will and finding the will of God offers itself as an inverted example. Finding physical symptoms to this spiritual and psychological pursuit has proven interesting. What are the small clues that I have not given over control to the creator? When we soften our outlook, and quit squinting in the vain pursuit of perfection, we are able to focus more obtusely on significant imbalances. Perhaps I can look to the material in order to assist me in unraveling this intense spiritual quest. As I soften criticism of fine details, I am then able to push forward even greater evolutions. I want to be able to “see” myself. I want to wrap my perception further around and into the peripheral. I want to understand that which is beyond comprehension. I want and need to allow for this in my daily existence. I need more God.
God sounds like it is not material. But the clues are everywhere. I do indeed need to break the perfect clean and porcelain shell of an egg in order to benefit from the nutrients inside of it. This is a metaphor that we all are familiar with. As I let go of control, and as I surrender to life in its fullest, blockages become released that I couldn’t even see before I had a meeting with God. This is how I know that it all is truly beyond me. I did not create the perfect shell of the egg. It is through my mistakes, through the ugly cracking and oozing of the egg’s contents, that I find the food that I need. Sometimes things look perfect. But that is not me. I am messy. I am clumsy. I am many other things, but most of all I must trust and have faith. In this utter comprehension that is so beyond my personal comprehension, I may just be able to find a clue or two in the detail that I am asked to overlook, if I can perceive it in a new light. It is not a blemish, it is not a cursed mistake. It is information, and it is a part of a great creation. Dear God, let my imperfections be a tool for me to find your way. Let me allow for mistakes in the spaces, and help me to smile and laugh at my glorious imperfectness.