Finding Moon

Pixabay

Of all my personal character defects, perfectionism and high expectations rule my existence. In my day to day, more is never enough. I am not enough. I am not perfect, and I end up pushing myself beyond my abilities. I do try to keep an eye on myself, but because of my diagnosis of Schizoaffective disorder, what I actually achieve could be improved upon. I could clean better, I could work out more, I could eat healthier and smoke less. I could help out on the property more. I could be a better friend. My mental illness keeps me from doing too much. Still, in my striving, my limitations become so apparent, that I need a slow and relaxing mental health day more often than I grant it. 

It is imperative that I digest the importance and pertinence of this issue, and let the reigns slacken a bit. Why do I always need to prove myself? Why am I so judgmental of my simple existence? When did my silver spoon crawl up my butt? Why can’t I just relax and savor the beauty of the day and the love that I receive from my partner and my pets? I am never going to be perfect. I will always be behind on cleaning. I will always be less in the realm of education and my writing career. I will always be over weight. I must embrace and accept these aspects of my life, if I want to find peace and serenity in my daily living. To live one day at a time, to embrace surrender and serenity in my life, I can then view what I accomplish in my daily living with loving acceptance. I must accept my limitations. I am enough. We all have challenges; I am no different than any of my fellow humans in this way.

I must look and peer into the depth of my life. My life has substance. I am not what I thought I was going to be in this life. Sometimes we get what we need, not what we want. If I am able to achieve relaxation, I will find that I am so much more than the aspects which I listed. My body, the cleanliness of my home, and my achievements are not me. I am Moon. I have a thick and rich subconscious. There are movements, waves, and progress at work deep in the darkness of my being. Under the surface, things are constantly changing and evolving. I serve the world and I serve my fellows. I have a rich relationship with my creator. I love deeply and strongly. I may even be in the process of moving a mountain or two. It is silly that I get caught on these surface details. Not silly, it is sad. It saddens me that I am so critical of myself. More is at play in my life and I must trust in this. 

The moon, in its not so subtle pull, moves the entire ocean on the planet with the ebb and flow of the tides. It is not a small force. The moon is tiny in the sky, but it is enormous in reality. The moon represents all that is not on the surface. Deep underneath, we have rich identities and longings. Our richest desires, hopes, and fears are deep within us. At night, the dark cold satellite can illuminate our entire planet. The moon may seem small and insignificant compared to the bright sun, but there is only one moon. It is the only one we have. It is not small or insignificant in reality. It is huge, profound, beautiful, and illuminating. Its power reaches deep into our consciousness and finds the gold. It penetrates our beings, and lifts the valuable to the surface. Its slippery luminescence covers everything it touches. We find that we are beautiful on the inside. This beauty can guide us and teach us. This inner light will show me that I am worthy in God’s eyes. I am Moon. I show the way to a light that my soul so desperately yearns to discover.

As I prepare mentally to take my fifth step, and as I move into the loving embrace of the sixth and seventh steps of readying myself and asking for reprieve from my flaws, I must think deeply on this major hindrance in my life. Why do I believe that I am not enough? Why do I insist on telling myself that I never achieve enough concerning these surface realities and goals? What keeps me from joining with the moon, and embracing the deeper journeys of my soul and subconscious? How can I love myself so deeply, that I learn to value myself authentically, and to see that I do enough, and am enough, in God’s eyes? I strive, I try, I put the effort in. I must let love and light into my inner being, and seek authentic warmth and comfort. I must learn to glow and meld with the inner evolution of spiritual progress. Real progress is sourced from deep within. Serenity and surrender can aid me on this journey to nourish my soul and deeper self. I am finding Moon. I am reaching deep down. I am orienting myself with the Earth mother. I am in tune with all that is.