The Spirit of Acceptance

Today has been different than other days as of recent. I feel unstable. I even cut myself while cutting up the chicken for the stir fry. Yesterday I was triggered regarding my weight, and I seem to be in the aftermath. I will look to my program for comfort and perspective, but I have to wait until 7pm for a meeting. Some days, I attend two meetings like I did yesterday, but today there is just the one. I seem to be evaluating some things in this state of instability. I feel that there are some people that just take from me, and though my program speaks of service, I believe there are times to say no and distance ourselves from situations that seem to draw and not give. The issue of my body size is an on going struggle. I posted a photo of me on my new bike on Facebook, and though the majority of the comments were positive, a couple people chimed in with comments like “It is still good to pedal!” (Regarding the electric bike I was on,) or “Good for you!” Which felt patronizing. I am a bigger person, but many who are looking at the surface, and that includes myself at times, do not see the decade and a half of walking miles, hiking, yoga classes, and gym sessions. They do not know that I am in better shape than I look. They do not know how hard I try. But do I know this? Can I tell myself that I am proud of myself for how hard I have worked, and how beautiful I am both inside and out? Can I have the confidence to get real perspective on the situation? I was at the gym the last couple of days, and this morning after working out I looked at myself in the mirror and l liked what I saw. The number on the scale or others opinions do not have to matter. Why do I let them?

Well, it comes back to one of my main character flaws that surfaced in my fifth step work; the need for acceptance. Another flaw I deal with is lack of self-acceptance, or judgement of self. I have tried, through my writings, meditation, step work and support meetings, to get a grasp on who I am in real time. What I deal with, with regular mental health symptoms, what my body goes through adjusting to medications and dealing with the side effects, how truly giving I am to others, how I have a good marriage and family life… all of these things are something to be proud of. Today I am realizing that I have pushed myself too far. I have been urging myself and pushing myself to get thing after thing done around the house, all while getting workouts in at the gym, giving emotional support to my mom and dad, and watering the property in the drought. Steve had fallen very ill, and a couple months went by where I would not give myself a break. Now that he is showing improvement and doing more, I am melting down. I thought I was taking care of myself emotionally, but often we don’t realize how stressed we are until the stress goes away. I am thankful that I am in a program, and have the support of friends. These things add to a perspective that I am worthy.

There is a time for pushing ourselves. There is a time for making an effort. But when I look at my life over the last five years, and remember my reflections via writing and therapy, I can see that I was most happy when I practiced regular stillness. I have had the habit of taking my coffee down into the woods, or sitting by the willow tree. What led me there was desperation after dealing with major episodes and thus needing great perspective on my life. I needed to rest and meditate. I needed to separate from this world of shallow comments and surface judgements. I was thirty seven and my mental illness had shown its face significantly, and I was in need of greater perspective. I found that perspective over and over, and I now need to find it again. Focusing on detail after detail, chore after chore, has got me all turned around. It has led only to disappointment in myself. Now I must find the self care needed to bring me around to loving myself once again. I will lean on my program, support meetings, and friends, but I know that the resources are within me to restructure my life in a way where I am grateful for my body and my life, where I believe I am beautiful and worthy no matter how much I weigh. Certainly, when we practice gratitude and gain perspective in this way, our problems have less power over our spirits that can thrive if we would only show them love and acceptance.