Healing Roots

“Maybe you are searching in the branches, for what only appears in the roots.” -Rumi

I’ve thought on this long and hard in my life. Why is it that my branches are not more full? Why is it that I don’t have more to show for my life? But what is unseen, under the earth, is actually where I have shown much growth over the years. Perhaps this was the goal all along, and perhaps my innate wisdom led me down this road for a reason. Work, real work, and what matters, is on the inside. What fuels me and keeps me afloat in a tumultuous world, is in my roots. Healing must happen from the ground up. Paths in life that lead towards healing do not always make sense on a linear plane or from the exterior. Now that I am 45, I am grateful that my life took the path that it did. All of the struggle I experienced living with mental illness, and all of the searching and healing that came from that, has made my roots much stronger. I can hold a few accomplishments in my branches; like my long relationship, the fact that I am a good dog mom, my talents teaching children and playing music, and my creative talents of painting and writing. All of these accomplishments fed me as I journeyed with them. All of these accomplishments have been healing journeys of their own. And living and thriving with mental illness is by far the thickest branch that I have. But it is fed by the roots. By spiritual searching. By feeling my pain, emotional and psychosomatic. By falling deep into psychosis and crawling out on my hands and knees. It has not been easy, and I have had to draw great strength from down under. Hidden among the roots, I was able to find my footing for life.

Now that I have been stable and in recovery from mental illness for three and a half years, and in a recovery program for healing my addictions for five years, I can see that it is what is in the roots that really matters. It is in my roots that I will find sustenance for life. When I do my homework in my program, discussing principles for living, doing gratitude and affirmation lists, and listening and sharing in a group setting, I am feeding and healing these roots that keep me on steady footing. It may have been possible, to continue using, addicted to control, and to keep building from the top down. My tree has been repeatedly struck by lightening, and I have had to return to the earth to find healing. And now, I know that real success in inward. I no longer crave a perfect body, family, degree, or career. These are beautiful accomplishments for those who are able, but I personally was unable. I have accepted my body, and now wear and purchase clothes that fit. I have found that I do have family. Though not of my own making, I can cherish and preserve the family that I have, learning to be an involved and caring partner, daughter, sister, auntie, in-law, and dog mom. Some have no family, and this is very real. Those who are alone can still find connection if they learn to reach out for help. Connection is very important in order to find healing. I have also let go of school and have embraced learning where I can on my own; studying writing, philosophy, religion and Italian. And I have found that becoming a care taker for my aging partner is the only career that I need or want.

I begin to look at my life tree intuitively. I begin to become and feel my tree from the inside. If where I need to be is down in my roots, learning to heal and accept the path that life has given me, that is fine. That is where I need to be. I am no longer concerned with appearances, or comparing myself to other trees with larger branches bearing excess fruits. I have resorted to comparing myself occasionally, because I am not perfect. But then I return to my program and continue my healing. Since I have embraced sobriety, I have become less angry, and have forgiven all types of people from my past. I have learned about principles such as humility, lack of self-will, acceptance, and embracing my true self. These last five years, I have just continued the work that I set out to do in my teens. I found myself first seriously mentally ill at seventeen, after struggling with an eating disorder for several years. I leaned into art and teaching children in my early adult years. Painting and poetry were my therapies, until I could fully embrace cognitive therapy at a more mature age. Writing and nature helped me heal ten fold. I learned to live with mental illness, and to let go of lofty expectations. I learned that to grow large beautiful branches in life, I had work to do in the private realm, out of sight, where there was no witness. I had to face deep feelings of aloneness on my journey. I found myself, and I found my footing. And my journey with mental illness has become a branch of its own. It has become my trunk. I have so much gratitude for the stability I have found in my current life, and I feel blessed to finally be witnessing my own branches bear some fruit on this beautiful tree I call life.