Letting Go

Expectations can rule our lives. Whether it is an expectation we have for ourselves, another person, or the world in general, when life does not meet the expectations we have in place, it can result in disappointment, unhappiness, and feelings of self deprecation. “I am not worthy because I have not met an expectation I have put upon myself.” Or “I am unhappy in my marriage because my partner is not meeting my expectations.” Or “Why do my communities, my friendships, my politicians not meet up to my expectations?” Sometimes it can become motivating to make change when our expectations are not being met. But I have to ask myself, especially on a personal level, how can I change my expectations so that I can love myself more? Right now I am battling quitting smoking and I also have strep throat. I thought I might have it licked, the smoking, as I went 48 hours without any nicotine whatsoever. But then I ended up smoking a few cigarettes over the next few days. Still, I have been amazingly successful. My expectation was that my quit date would be August 1st, and I met that expectation, although things then took a turn. I was reminded of a meme I saw where expectation was an arrow pointing up at a strait and direct angle into the sky. But reality takes a different path. Still an arrow, it turns and bends and takes a more organic path upward, crossing over itself and sometimes appearing chaotic. I still believe that I am quitting smoking. Soon Steve and I will run out of cigarettes, and then we will be done. I had set my quit date before we ran out, because I liked the idea of August 1st being my first day nicotine free. Reality took a different course, and I must accept that.

I have not failed. I could see it this way, but I do not have to. In actuality, I have succeeded and am succeeding amazingly. I originally cut back for a week while on my period and with a house guest in my small home. Then the day before my quit date, I accepted that I could do it. I had a day alone, and I meditated and prayed on the matter. Then I quit completely for those 48 hours. But I must be completely honest with myself if I am going to continue to make progress. I was an over a pack a day smoker. Over the last year or so I have attempted to quit a couple times, and I did switch from medium cigarettes to mild or light cigarettes. And now, I am sick, and being sick is a huge trigger for me. When most people would intelligently make the choice to not smoke when ill, I just want to smoke more. But I am still avoiding smoking for the most part while having a couple every day. We will run out, and we will run out soon. Both Steve and I have vowed to not buy anymore smokes, and we have been preparing for that. I know I can do it, and I look forward to it. It has been necessary to adjust my expectations in order to see that I am still making progress. Healing is not linear. But as my sponsor said to me once, “There is never a good time to quit.” Now is the time. I feel strong enough and capable. But when we fail, when we fail to meet our initial expectation, we must practice acceptance and try again.

My perfectionism has gotten in my way multiple times in my life. It became such an impediment that I could not go to college because I had to read every word in the textbooks, and get %100 on all my assignments and projects. I was capable of this, but it landed me in the psych ward three different times. Perhaps it is because I am a slow reader, or perhaps it was because I was trying to take too many classes. But the pressure and the stress of trying to be perfect at a collegiate level was terrible for my mental health, and may have even triggered the gene for schizoaffective disorder. I broke myself, and this was very much a result of having high expectations. While working through my step work with my sponsor, there comes a moment between steps five and six, where we create a list of our character flaws. Most or many of mine could be sourced back to having high expectation. I am not sure I put this same sort of pressure on others, but it is a possibility due to the fact that how we treat ourselves is often how we treat others. Taking a good strong look at my character flaws, bringing awareness to them, and actively pursuing letting them go one by one, I have found that I am more content, less angry or violent, more accepting of others and myself, and most of all forgiving toward myself and others.

Forgiveness, acceptance, taking it slow, moving through our Karma slowly, living in simplicity, being grateful, and sending ourselves positive affirmations, can all combat high expectation or perfectionism, and ultimately addiction. I have had to dedicate my life to my mental health and to healing my addictions, because it truly takes that much focus and energy to overcome an addiction such as smoking. I quit drinking because it is the smartest thing to do for my mental health. And I quit caffeine because I found I was using it to achieve at a higher level than was healthy for me. I am on enough medication, and the less drugs I put into my body recreationally, the better. Today I am learning to let go of expectations, and to try and live for the moment. It is a heavy rock to drop, but I feel hopeful that I will be able to do it. I have a lot of support, and I start every day knew, hopeful, and determined to let go.