Doing My Best
My body has been aching terribly. I have been having trouble sleeping because my back is so stiff and sore, though I also suffer soreness in my shoulder, knee and hip. I suppose I am getting older. I have plans to do more stretching, and there is a creaky yoga class I can join Monday and Thursday mornings. I look forward to that, but right now I am still adjusting to Monday through Friday 7am Al-Anon meetings. Those meetings have changed my life even after attending for only 13 days. I feel freer than I did, and am not triggered or weighed down by my partner’s drinking. I can’t control other people, and though I encourage sobriety in my immediate surroundings, I am not owed that. Steve has been sober on and off over these last seven years since his surgery. I myself, have been sober for the most part over the last five years consistently. I have enjoyed the one 12 step program (AA) so immensely and am well versed in the format, that this second 12 step program (Al-Anon) has fallen into my lap naturally.
The weird thing is that I am having trouble picking up the phone when my friends are calling. This is okay, but I am just not in the mood. I make the time and effort to talk with my sponsor, my therapist, and to make doctor appointments. I also make the time to communicate regularly with my family. The problem is I don’t have much else to give. I am learning that this is okay, and it is like the universe or god is setting a boundary for me without me even trying. I am learning to let go and let god. It feels right, and I have to let go of feeling bad or like I am letting someone down. I simply am doing all that I am able, and I am also finding all kinds of support within my programs.
I don’t want to say that I am not much fun, but between being sober, hooked on twelve step programs, into family, having all kinds of aches and pains, and sticking to an early bedtime, I am hardly the “fun” person anymore. I don’t want to travel either. I have been going off to the mainland by myself for some doctors appointments and to do Costco, and I look forward to seeing my therapist in person this Halloween. The confidence I get from traveling off island by myself is quite a boost. It is important to remind myself that I can be independent. I am very strong actually. I am a caregiver as well, and I have walked Steve through cancer treatment over this last year. It has been a struggle, and now that we are out the other side and the cancer is in remission, there is huge sense of relief. We both championed so much over this last year, Steve especially.
It is beautiful outside, and as we move into late October, I have to say I am loving the weather. There is mist and fog in the mornings, and the sunshine that we do get illuminates the bright yellow and red changing leaves. The rain feels refreshing when it is light and misty. And when it is heavy, I welcome a fire in the hearth and listen to the rhythms through an open door. Steve had a birthday on the fourteenth, and we had much to celebrate. We ate scallops and prawns, and cozied up to some television. We definitely eat well. Steve is a chef and we prefer to eat in. Luckily, even with the cost of groceries skyrocketing, we have enough money to still eat how we desire, and that is a huge and important pleasure in our lives. We eat a lot of Curry, and recently had chile rellenos, cheddar broccoli soup, scallops and prawns with pasta, a roast chicken, borscht, fish and chips, enchiladas, and the list goes on. All gluten free, we enjoy baking cookies, muffins, biscuits, brownies and homemade pizza as well. Luckily our grocery store carries a wide selection of Bob’s Red Mills gluten free flour blends. It can be a challenge, but Steve is very allergic to gluten, and I feel much healthier when I avoid it.
A picture of our lives, I managed to plug out a simple blog. Mostly, I am so grateful for all that I have in this life that is a blessing. Steve, Jay and my cat TiTi bless my life on the daily. I’ve heard we call German Shepherds, “German Shedders” and this is another holy blessing in my life; hair and fur everywhere. I clean it up eventually, and all is well. I try to not pressure myself too hard, for who am I really impressing, anyway? As I remain healthy and my mental health stable, the voices fade and I am increasingly sober. I know I am not alone, there is just not a large company following me around in my head. Since those people don’t really exist, I have only my close friends and family to impress, and I hope they forgive me for my unkept messes. I do my best. That is all we can hope for in this life. As my great grandmother once said, “why bother better when good enough is best?” Amen.