Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

Things can become so quickly complicated and difficult when living with mental illness. I myself am also addicted to more, and when I am doing well, I like to lay it on as thick as I can get away with. I start with a new challenge like waking up at 5:30 am for a seven o’clock meeting Monday through Friday, which I have been doing now since October 3rd. I only did all five meetings one week, and two other weeks made it to a meeting for four days. Then I sleep in on the weekends. During this time of healing and stress, I also have been going through a medication adjustment and have slowly been tapering off of a medication that I have been taking for mood stability, while not replacing that with anything else currently. That also has gone exceedingly well. Then I thought, since I am doing so well, I should incorporate some simple yoga into my routine and would like to attend “creaky yoga” on Mondays and Thursdays at 9am. I am already awake for my 7am meeting, and can usually fit in grocery shopping and a walk for the dog around the property between my meeting and yoga. It’s a creaky class, so that should be no problem! I usually go for a two mile walk on the road as well about five out of seven days, but have been experiencing some nerve pain in my leg, so I decided to add a medication that I later discovered could also affect my mood. I needed to discuss this with my psychiatrist and did so yesterday. She assured me that at the small dose I was taking I should be fine, but it still may cause some dizziness, fogginess or drowsiness. I also recently took on two service positions, and I lead a Wednesday morning meeting on Zoom from the comfort of my home, and Saturday I lead a hybrid in person meeting and run the tech.

There is a workshop this Saturday in Seattle I am hoping to attend, but after yoga yesterday, in the evening, I had a bit of a crash. It was definitely related to being hungry and tired. I have discovered that this yoga I have been doing is already moving a lot of emotional baggage and I am feeling strangely exhausted from the exercise. But I am planning on attending the workshop, I will just have to make some adjustments so that I can be rested for the long day off island. The sad thing is that I had quit smoking for 11 weeks, and was so very proud of that. But due to the festivities around Halloween “weekend”, my partner asked me to buy a pack. I thought I would be able to handle myself, but I found myself smoking the majority of that pack over the next three days. This morning I woke up, and something must have snapped, because I found myself needing that cigarette, and there were not any left. So I went and bought another pack. This all happened because I pushed myself too hard. This is a pattern for me. I find myself doing well, so I think that it must be a good idea to do more. I slept in this morning and did not attend my 7am meeting. But I think if I sleep in a couple more days this week, I will be fine for my workshop. I’m not really panicking, but inside of me somewhere I am. I have been doing so good and have been in such a good mood, that I lost sight of my limitations. Yesterday, when I was hungry and tired, (two of the warnings in the acronym, H.A.L.T. or Hungry Angry Lonely Tired), this triggered an angry outburst where I threw something across the room, and scared Steve and my poor dog while he was eating dinner.

The meetings I have been attending on weekday mornings, have been monumental for me and are very new. I am finding the support I need there, and have needed for decades. There is no doubt that though these meetings are making me feel wonderful, and because I dove into the meetings and literature heavily over this last month, a lot is being stirred up within me as is with the yoga. I want to and plan to continue these efforts, it is just that I need to pace myself and take it easy. Attending two or three of these meetings instead of four or five is more than adequate in a week.

It is bizarre that I have found myself in a predicament that is so familiar to me. I want to take on more responsibility because I am doing well and am so mentally healthy. But soon, as I take on too much, I can forget to nurture my disability. Over and over again in my adult life, I have discovered through trial and error that my disability is not going anywhere. I really do have a mental illness. I wish there was a cure, but there is not. I am stable because I do the work and take my meds, but I still have serious limitations to what I can take on.

All of the things that I attempt to quit, and the progress I make, has an ebb and a flow to it. I will make two steps forward, then I will need to take a step back. I am aware that the saying is actually “one step forward two steps back”, and I think this is so because that is how it feels. But, I know I am still making progress, so I say it the other way. It is unfortunate that I picked up smoking these last few days, and I am swirling to figure out how to get back on top of that addiction. I also am on again off again with my efforts to quit gluten, caffeine, and soda. For the most part I keep the alcohol licked. The new program I am attending, I am able to frame my addictions and imbalances in a new light, however. It is about so much more than just eliminating these addictive substances from my life. It is about healing myself and my relationships. Health, true health, is achieved on a community level. We cannot do it on our own. I have found a couple online and in person communities that I am able to learn from and heal among. I am eternally grateful for this. As I recover from taking a step backwards, I look forward to the next leap forward that I am able to make.

[Meaning of “One step forwards, two steps back”: If you take one step forward, two steps back, you make progress but then experience events that cause you to be further behind than you were when you made the progress.]