The Darkness of Control

Is control an actual force in this universe, or is it one of our grand illusions? I am not sure that I actually have control over anything, but my desire to chase this illusion is great. I want control over my body. I want control over chaos. I want control over other people. There may be small things that I can control, like whether or not I brush my teeth, or over what my next choice of action is. What I choose in every moment is in my control. But the desire to control larger more obtuse things in life may not actually be possible. I know for a fact that I cannot control my partner. The longer I sit with this idea of relinquishing control, the less I desire to. I see that wanting to control my partner is very harmful, hurtful, and even abusive. As I let go of this idea to control him, the more I desire to let it go. I want to believe in him and have faith in him. He is perfect as God made him, and he does not need me telling him what to do. He is an adult. I may make suggestions, but I need to know that it is his choice and in his power to choose whether or not to follow these suggestions. It is incredibly freeing to let go of this need for control. It seems that I have the idea that if I don’t control a situation, it will fail. This is not true. I am not that important. The Universe or God has a plan, and I am not delegated as their top consultant. I am nobody. I am unimportant. I also am loved and I can forgive myself for this hurtful behavior because now I know that I can change.

There are many areas in my own life that I wish to control. I wish to control my addictions, my body size, my environment, my mental health, and my physical health and fitness. Probably the most obvious way I try to control myself is by exercising. I believe that if I can exercise a certain way, if I treat my body mechanically, I will effect the way that it looks and works. I am continually disappointed in this regard. I walk so many miles on the road that I hurt my knee, hip, ankle or foot. I then join the gym so I can continue to exercise without putting impact on my bad knee. I then experience exhaustion from overdoing my gym cardio workouts. Steve then will comment that he believes the gym is bad for me. I eat too much food from doing so much cardio, or the exercise triggers addictive behavior regarding my eating disorder. The truth is that this all comes from trying to control something. I am working so hard to shape my body and fitness, that I completely lose touch with my Creator. At some point I am going to have to accept that I am not nineteen anymore. I am forty-five and less resilient. Aside from being a heavy person, I take a lot of medications that cause weight gain as well as put strain on me physically. I continually bite off more than I can chew and it is a terribly negative cycle.

The only way I know to be free of this cycle is to work a twelve step program. Today I walked to the mailbox with the dog to check for my new earphones that were coming in the mail. My music really helps me to go for walks and gives me the motivation that I need. I have taken a couple weeks off of my walks on the road because I have needed to rest my leg from overdoing it. I also got a new iPhone and needed new earphones. When Jay and I got to the mailbox, the mail was not there, but it was so beautiful outside that we just ventured down to the stop sign and back. My leg hurt a little coming home, but the earphones were there when we got back and I look forward to getting out tomorrow with them. I also go for a walk around the property every morning and have since I got my dog nine months ago. I enjoyed approaching walking the dog intuitively today. I am going off of a medication that has very difficult symptoms during any adjustment plus or minus. I am on day four of going down, and I have been struggling with dizziness all day. Exiting carbamazepine from my life over the next month is going to add difficulty to my daily routine, and I am going to have to just accept this. So much feels beyond my control. Perhaps this is why I crave so deeply to control myself and others.

Whether it is my partner’s disability, my own fitness or diet, my mental health and medications, or the weather, I am continually reminded how I need a higher power in my life. I need to love and let love. I need to give myself compassion and understanding. I do not need to push myself or others, or treat myself and others like machines, because of my desire and need for control. I am very encouraged to rework the twelve steps in a second recovery program that I have recently joined. My hope is that this will help me with honing in my energies. I hope to focus inwardly, and on myself, and not externally or on others. But it is not just control over others that I crave. I crave control over so much in life. I need to learn to let go of this. Healing and recovery is a bigger process than I can perceive clearly, and I am just going to have to trust in God and myself that things are going to get better. They will if I work at it by having more faith in life and in others. Compassion is the word that comes to mind. I must remember that struggle is natural, and I am dealing with many different struggles. If I practice gratitude, I will overcome these struggles naturally and with faith, not with control. I have been coming back to my mantra that a friend shared with me: “I love and accept myself exactly as I am, right now.” When I say these words, I relax and begin to enjoy the moment. It is easy to feel buried in the darkness while giving into the need for control. If I love and accept things totally and completely as they are, this lets light deep into the otherwise cold and dark mountain of control we can become buried beneath.