Many Paths

My life has become a full and rewarding experience. There are many things that are bringing me fulfillment. I have my niece for one. We have been having four hour play dates recently, and I am cherishing the time we spend together. I did not always feel resilient or strong enough to do this, so it is so satisfying. I also do service in my recovery program. I lead two meetings a week, and this can often turn into three or four as I substitute as well. Being closely engaged with my recovery and my program is incredibly rewarding. I am constantly learning and growing within the program while attending meetings. Another sign of wellness and resilience are the many trips I have made off island with my partner for medical reasons. He has been getting many tests, as well as a major procedure, of which he will have to do again in the coming weeks. I got to see my therapist and psychiatrist in person for the first time in over a year. I have been doing virtual meetings with one yearly in person visit with my doctor and therapist since the pandemic, and now I am going to start seeing my therapist once a month in person. I feel so strong and confident, that I may go by myself.

Some of these accomplishments may seem small to an average person, but as an individual that is in recovery from both mental illness and addiction, all of these activities are markers of good health, as I may not have felt able to do them in times past. I am disabled, I have schizoaffective disorder bipolar type. I don’t always give myself the credit I deserve for a person living with chronic illness. A friend was sharing about living with chronic illness, and how challenging it makes all of life’s tasks and activities. I am humbled by my illness, and grateful for the comforts that I have, so that I can take the time I need to recover from life’s daily and weekly challenges. Right now, it is remarkable how much more I am able to handle and say yes to, and it feels really really good. I am just grateful that I get to live such a full and meaningful life.

Whether it is making regular gym workouts, attending worship meeting every Sunday, and occasionally hosting worship meeting, saying yes to subbing for people who lead recovery meetings as well as making my weekly commitments, tackling my cross addictions such as cigarettes, caffeine, grains and potatoes, and sugar, and simply being a kind and attentive friend, partner, daughter, sister and aunt… I am thriving in this life that I am blessed to live today. Day to day, I am learning to be kinder to myself, and rest when I need to. I am learning about my life long patterns of overachievement, perfectionism, and just plain overdoing it. I am becoming a better person in general, and I thank my program for reminding me that I can grow, change, and improve as a person.

God is one, but there are many paths. We all are unique individuals, and success and survival looks different for every one of us. But there is a connecting force that runs through all of us, and everything we do, touch, hold and experience. It will not look the same to each individual person because we are all different and unique. Weather it is wealth, education, culture and race, or health and wellness, we all look different. But we are also one and the same. Even if our higher powers look and sound different through our individual eyes, God is still just one. The threads of our creator weave around us, and if we look closely, I believe that we will not only see our similarities, but when we see and experience God in our individual ways, we will experience a similar feeling. I believe we will come together on a universal plane when we die. I do not believe that it is my place to judge others, and though I may pass judgment from time to time, I have my daily inventory to check myself and to try to do better tomorrow.

It comes down to today. I may be doing better today than passed days when my illness clipped my wings and I struggled, but it still is just today that I am dealing with. I love that my program pushes this fact. Moment to moment, day to day, I can do my best. At the end of the day, I can sit down and look at what I accomplished, how I treated others and myself, and honestly look at myself and how I am doing. Maybe I can be kinder tomorrow. Maybe there is an apology or an amends that I need to make. Maybe I pushed myself too hard, and tomorrow I can try to be kinder to myself and learn to rest or take it easy. There are many ways in which we can improve as human beings, but it is important that we answer to God, and not compare ourselves to others. I am perfect in God’s eyes, and I am simply doing my best. I am attempting to be good with my word, to not takes things personally while putting principles before personalities, and I try to not make assumptions about myself or others. Today is new and I am learning in every moment. Thank you God for teaching me to love myself and to learn to live in this moment, a moment that is blessed and infused with your love. Every day that I live is a miracle and a gift. I should not take this for granted. Gratitude is powerful medicine. And humility keeps me putting one foot in front of another on my own personal path I walk in this life.