Forward Motion

In my tarot reading this morning on two of the cards there was a wheel. It was the Wheel of Fortune and Completion, the Four of Wands. In the Wheel the wheel is perfectly balanced, as all wheels are. The spokes have to be in just the right place for the wheel to turn and function properly. So the wheel that is my life must be balanced as well. I must make the time for activity and achieving set goals, as well as time for rest and recuperation. This week I did chores on Monday and Tuesday, and then went to the gym Wednesday through Friday. I had my niece over Thursday and we played for hours. We had to take breaks from our project of building a house out of cardboard and furnishing it with our cardboard creations, to sit and watch a little television on and off. We would spend a half hour or so working on the project, then watch TV for a half hour. Today I am resting. It is the time of the month where I have my moon time, and it feels good to be in my body and to take it easy.

So balance is important when in recovery, searching for wellness, or achieving contentedness and happiness in our lives. I often find that it is on my second day of rest where I begin to feel tired. The laws of inertia apply to many areas of my life. It takes time to stop and get still, more than just a few hours in our busy day. For those that never stop, they may never realize they are tired until they burn out or develop chronic illness.

I have been striving to follow a new diet. It has been about ten weeks and I have lost about ten pounds. But the first two months the progress was slower. This is because I had to stop my body from the weight gain cycle it was on and completely change and alter my direction. So it took me two months to lose six pounds, but now that I am moving in the right direction, things seem to be changing a little bit faster. I still have a long way to go, but at least I am not the heaviest I have ever been. Losing weight is tough, and I am constantly wishing I could eat some starches. I tell myself this is the pain of progress. It is during these times of craving that the actual progress is being made. The more I resist and stay the course, the better off I will be in the long run.

I am not sure what I am completing, but I do relate to the two symbols of wheels that were in my reading this morning. The force that it takes to take a spinning wheel and stop it to turn it the other direction is real. I have done this with my body lately and it was no small task. The meds I take for my schizoaffective disorder cause obesity. In the last couple years I gained twenty pounds on top of a weight that I never thought I would surpass. It had been a hard reality for me to face, and I have gone to new levels of appreciation of my program, as I struggle with severe cravings for food. I must have applied my alcoholic personality to how I ate. I still have a struggle to face with my smoking, but one hurdle at a time.

The Four of Wands, Completion, also represents a new beginning. The wheel is on the card to show that we have come full circle. Again, I am not sure what this represents, but today I have 23 months of continuous sobriety, and this next month will mark the completion of my second year of sobriety. It took a few tries before I made it stick, but I am so glad that I have. I have done it one day at a time, putting one foot in front of the other, and focusing on the now, today, this step. Using drugs and alcohol can set a wheel in motion in the wrong direction as we stuff our feelings and drink away our troubles without facing them. To stop this wheel and get it moving in the healthy direction of being present in my life one hundred percent, has taken these last four years that I have been in recovery. I can finally feel my wheel moving and spinning in the forward motion that I have been working towards.

The wheel that is my life has many spokes. These spokes are my foundation. My program, my relationships, and my spirituality are examples of the spokes that keep my wheel turning. I am so grateful for the peace and the serenity that I have arrived at, and the connection that keeps me going. I am finding new confidence in both of my recoveries from mental illness and addiction as I take life step by step.