Recovery

Life can take us through twists and turns, like a river flowing over rocks and roughly becoming tumultuous and then calming down. There are shallow swimmable areas and places where the water cuts deep into the sediment below. Through every curve and flow we are learning. We are learning about ourselves as well as the river of life on which we float. There is no reason to fear where we all will end up, joining the big sea at the end of our lives. If we had no sea to flow toward there would be no river flowing downward through all our trials and triumphs.

I see now that I am very much on a river. It is important for me to remember that there is a divine at work in my life. There is a god that I can turn my life over to. The imagery of life being a river helps me realize this. Especially in times of trial, I can let go, taking life moment by moment and day by day. I don’t have to have all of the answers. In my program, in the light of healing from addiction, we talk about having a higher power, and trusting and knowing that this belief will bring relief to us if we truly believe, and if we give our life and will over to it. Believing in a higher power helps me with acceptance. When I begin to trust, I begin to accept my self and my life right where it is at. I am better able to tune into myself and my body and give myself the time and space to recover from whatever life brings. It is okay to be still and pray.

I actually need a lot of time for prayer and recovery in my life. I am so grateful for a new lounge chair that my parents gifted me as of late. Yesterday I was very tired, as I am also today. I can only watch a little television or read so much of my book until these relaxing activities make me feel sort of cross eyed when I am truly tired. Having a nice chair to lean back in gives me a good space to sit and meditate and just to be and rest. Today I am blown away as I slept until noon. I must have needed the rest. Becoming tired, hungry, angry, lonely or bored can lead to using behavior. So along with giving my life and will over to a spiritual power day by day, it is very important to watch and care for my body and being in order to not end up hungry, angry, lonely, or tired (H.A.L.T.)

Another thing that can happen on the road of recovery is to develop mood issues. There is a symptom called P.A.W.S. or Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome. It is not officially in the DSM as it is deemed more of a hypotheses than a proven illness, but it makes perfect sense if you think about it. Yesterday I had two years of sobriety from alcohol, and now I am attempting to quit smoking. I already have a mood disorder so I know what that looks like. I find myself sadder than usual, as well as experiencing a few symptoms which is why I must take it slow. When I just sit and rest without the cigarette in my hand, I can become sort of melancholy. There are many different “mood” symptoms that can occur if you are experiencing this. If you think you are suffering from P.A.W.S., I encourage you to look up the symptoms online, as well as seek help.

As I age and am confronted with huge life issues, the death or illness of loved ones for example, I find myself leaning into relaxation and trying to feel the flow that is this river of life. As I do this, as I become more at one with a god of my understanding, I also am able to day dream a little. I color in the stories of where I have been with humor and love. I become proud of who I am and what I have experienced or accomplished. I lean into the flow of life and I find peace.