Admitting Powerlessness

‘Powerlessness’ in the programs of AA and Al-Anon is not a bad word. I suppose it is because those of us that suffer with addiction, obsession, and the desire to be perfect or in control, benefit from such a concept. There is so much about the world that I cannot control. Simple example: my partner cooking in the kitchen. Steve used to almost exclusively do the cooking and the dishes, along with other kitchen chores like cleaning out the fridge. I always have gravitated to dealing with the garbage, recycle, compost, and rinsing the occasional dish, but that was as close as I got to the operations of the kitchen. It was very much Steve’s domain. Since his last cancer treatment in September/October of 2024, however, his mobility has severely suffered. So, I started doing most all of the kitchen duties, and it has become an area in my current life that I am on top of and pretty proud of. He has been doing better lately, and getting stronger, and has done a little here and there. But because of his challenges, he doesn’t take care of detail the way I would. Today, I had to fight off the desire to control the situation, and accept the small amount of chaos that ensued from Steve cooking his own tater tots. This is a small example, but it shows me how much I do desire order, control, and even perfectionism.

I am working on my step one in Al-Anon with a sponsor. It has been six months since I came into Al-Anon and I try to attend five seven am meetings a week, if other events don’t interfere with my routine. I have a community now, that is based out of Seattle, and I have been studying three different books as well as two daily readers. The first step is: “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable.” In Al-Anon, we refer to the Alcoholic Family System, and though alcoholism affecting a loved one may be what gets us in the door, the program goes much deeper than that. I am reckoning with things like obsession, setting boundaries, learning to take care of myself, detaching as a caregiver, the need for control and perfectionism, and most of all codependency. In my life, growing up in a family where three of my four grandparents were alcoholic, and having parents who drank until I was seven years old, I have very much grown up in an Alcoholic Family System. As I work on my first step, I first laid out a timeline of my life. In writing out this timeline, I can see where these issues that I mentioned have plagued me since I was a young child. As I wrote further, I highlighted phrases in my first step timeline like “learned that I should be perfect”, “tantrums to try and have my own autonomy”, “everything is my fault”, “identity issues”, “achievement disorder”, “wanted to be liked”, “wanted to be successful and approved of”, “if I excelled I might be loved”, “resisted help and intervention”, “became ill or passive to cope”, and “took on needy people”. All of these things stem back to the issue of codependency. All of these tendencies or behaviors are signs of my illness. All of these issues very much led to having severe mental illness. I suffered with an eating disorder my first several years of high school. I experimented with drugs and alcohol. I developed major depression my senior year. I went on to be hospitalized twice for bipolar disorder, and once later for schizoaffective disorder - bipolar type; my current diagnosis. I see the evidence in my timeline of how my behaviors that stemmed from growing up in an Alcoholic Family System effected my early life immensely and then later led to three hospitalizations for psychiatric disorders. If that is not powerless, I do not know what is.

What I probably struggle most with when doing twelve step work in my programs of AA and Al-Anon, is the desire or attempt to do things perfectly. Obviously, while reflecting on my life and everything that I have done and felt over the last forty six years, there are going to be some holes. In other words, I need my program to work the program. This is how completely unattainable understanding my schizoaffective disorder is. At some point I must completely surrender and accept I am powerless. I get to believe in a higher power, and give my life over to the care of God. I cannot control even myself. Especially myself. The illusion is there for sure, but racking one’s memory of their life that is filled with multiple traumas and psychotic breaks, is just a sign of how much I need the guidance of the ultimate universe or God. I need to trust. I need to trust enough to admit that I am powerless, to accept that God can help me, then finally surrender my life over to that higher power. Life is so imperfect. Life is chaotic. Life is messy. It is also divine, but not by my hand. I am only a tiny part of the great creation, of the universe. To think that I can control that, or anything for that matter, is pure insanity.