Fear is Freedom

Dystopia, [noun, an imagined state or society in which there is great suffering or injustice, typically one that is totalitarian or post-apocalyptic], why is it good? I have written on this before, however, I am needing to be reminded of this concept as today has me thinking thoughts that are unpleasant. But, it is these unpleasantries, or rather the actual unpleasant thoughts, that are bringing me comfort. Not the thoughts of bunnies and baskets, but rather that fear is a very real and sometimes good thing. Daily, I need to stand up in the face of fear. Daily, I need to acknowledge that I am strong and capable. I need to remember that I am clean and just, but it is the fear that gets me there. I know that I am alive when I am afraid. If I avoid fear, and ironically cling to the beauty, I just end up confused and in pain and not knowing why. Denial of fear is hell.

Some of the thoughts that I have been thinking that do not seem to bring me any comfort are: “what is the difference between God and the Devil”, and “what makes these forces real and what do they mean?” I have an answer of course, but still, this answer brings me little comfort. God, I have deduced, is there to forgive our sins. The Devil is there to invite us to sin. The purpose of either would vanish if the other ceased to exist. Two sides of a coin as they say. And still, I am plagued with existential dread. But it is here where I find a real truth that is actually comforting. Reality exists. We can all agree that reality is a hard place where we experience fear, self loathing, and hardship. Maybe turning my eyes inward and bringing focus and logic to these existential thoughts of peril and demise is the door I must pass through to find hope. Death and taxes as they say; these are the only two things that one can really count on in this life.

Fear… fear is there as a reminder. I want to feel this fear. As Americans, we ride roller coasters, watch scary movies, go hang gliding, or even race cars, just to feel this sense of pure and pleasurable fear. We get excited about the danger of falling in love; probably one of the scariest things that I have ever experienced, (and I have lost my mind and sanity multiple times in this adult life). What made falling in love so scary, was the realization that someday, inevitably, I would lose that love. Steve is 17 and a half years older than me, and we have been together now for 27 years. But today, as I find myself faced with my worst fear, the thought of losing Steve forever, I feel I am finally waking up. Coming back to reality, and the hard uncomfortable places, is what is bringing me comfort. There is so much beauty to be found in the crazy lessons this life thrusts upon us, and I am learning to meet daily crises with serenity. Steve’s cancer is back, he can barely walk or stand, and he is dizzy all the time with some sort of neurological equilibrium issue that we have yet to figure out, and this further complicates his walking and standing. He keeps getting ill because I need to be more careful about bringing germs into the home. He can barely breathe, and is prescribed three different inhaler medications and uses an oxygen tank regularly. Getting him off island for CT’s or visits with the oncologist or pulmonologist prove very challenging, and lately he always needs his walker and is no longer just using a walking stick. The spinal chord/bone spur issue he has which got doctored in a surgery in 2017, could be worsening, meaning we are headed for a wheelchair, though not any time soon I hope. Still, I have processed and prepared for this potential future. There is a lot to dread here, but strangely, I feel sober and content in ways I never have. I have become like a mother to Steve, cooking for him, helping him walk and bathe, washing everything and doing all the work around the house including taking care of the dog and the cat. I feel good. I feel more in love than ever. Is this proof that myself, and other humans for that matter, actually thrive in a dystopia? Steve reminds me daily that he loves and appreciates me, and his mind is sound so he is still there to pin me to the earth when my mental illness threatens to blow me away. I need him. He needs me. We need each other. This need is born from fear and pain. But it leads me to love, as long as I embrace the hand that life/reality/dystopia is dealing me.

All around me is beauty. I live on a beautiful island on a beautiful landscaped property, my dog and cat are gorgeous, and I still find Steve, in all his aging, incredibly beautiful. I too am starting to feel beautiful again. I chock this up to working through, and walking through, the fear head on. Not stuffing it, avoiding it, or completely denying its existence. I need to be afraid. We all do. Why do we avoid or deny fear so often in this culture? We are okay with “fake” fear, but the real roller coaster is free if you would only give it a head on look. Face death, face illness and disease, face global hunger and war. Let’s work through this together. Perhaps if we begin to focus, we can take this world head on by the horns and be one step closer to world peace.