The Mystery of Suffering

There is a lot to think about on the subject of self-care. Like what does that even mean? It definitely looks different for each individual person. In my meeting that I was chairing this morning, I listened to folks share on this topic, and some shared that they didn’t think that they practiced self-care in any way. But they were there at that meeting, engaging in self-reflection and recovery, so I believe they were practicing self-care and self-awareness by being present at that meeting. For those of us in twelve step programs, working the program and the twelve steps, is essential to our self-care regime. We may meet with our sponsors, attend meetings, talk to fellows in our program, and read conference approved literature. Recently, I have added a weekly visit with my sponsor in Al-Anon, as well as engaging in conversation with her other sponsees. My sponsor and I are reading the Big Book, and rewriting it for codependency. I expressed in a phone call with one of my sponsors other sponsee’s yesterday, that only being in the program for six months, I know that something is working and clicking without really knowing the proper words or language to describe my experience. I have been in AA for six years, seven non-consecutive years, and I feel like I have a pretty good grasp on that program. But it did not come overnight. It came with years of Big Book studies as well as reading other literature like The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Living Sober, Drop The Rock, Drop the Rock - The Ripple Effect, and even some of AA Comes of Age. It came with years of attending thousands of meetings. It came from listening at speaker’s meetings, and working with my sponsors in AA. Even then, I accept I have a lot to learn yet about my sobriety and my recovery. So, I am challenging myself to move things around energetically in my life so that I can fit in weekly sessions with this new sponsor, as well as other fellowship. I already attend five Al-Anon meetings a week in the early mornings on the weekdays. I have come to savor this tradition, and three of these meetings involve reading from Al-Anon Family Groups conference approved literature. This has all proved incredibly enriching, and I know that it is a form of self-care.

Learning to take better care of myself and my needs as a caregiver, and as a child that was born into an alcoholic family system, is very much part of what Al-Anon means to me. It means that I can let go of what others think of me. It means trying to stop fixing people. It means ceasing to insert myself in other’s lives or their struggles or drama. It means looking at what I need to do to take better care of myself. It is about relationships. As I spend more time working on myself, I am learning to give myself approval to practice self-care. Sometimes this means not picking up the phone. It definitely means stopping apologizing for just being myself, something I have done most of my life. It means letting in the compliments and the wins. It means learning to have an ounce of self-respect, and recognizing my needs as valid. It means learning to say no. The program of Al-Anon in my life is central to me learning about and practicing self-care. I do not need to sacrifice my sanity for others. It is very possible that this is at the root of my mental illness. Whether it is my eating disorder, my addiction to substances, my schizoaffective disorder, or my codependency, this self-sacrifice may be at the root of my troubles.

I am a very sensitive person. Things like tobacco, alcohol, overeating, and losing myself in other people, all are a way of me numbing out so that I can tackle the challenges of this sometimes very harsh world. I have always been an “absorber”, and I think that this is the fundamental bodily experience of my codependency. Why so porous? Why do I just let it all in, in self-sacrifice, in a way that tears me down in the end? My sensitivity is a gift, and I am very in tune with nature, art, music, creativity, and spirituality. But it is possible that this baseline mechanism of codependent behavior is what caused me to have severe mental illness. As I said, there is still so much mystery to a program that at this point just feels like magic. I’ve become a compassionate caregiver, instead of a raging person that couldn’t handle one more ounce of dependance. I am learning to say no. I have stopped beating myself up with “shoulds”. And things are starting to shift. Before, I felt paralyzed by my lack of boundaries, and now I have the courage and self-respect to set them. Strangely, where AA teaches you to stop putting yourself first, Al-Anon teaches you to put yourself first. Perhaps there is a reason that the program was founded by the wife of Bill W., the founder of AA. Perhaps there is a reason my meetings are attended by 90% women. Perhaps this journey with Al-Anon is very much about me reclaiming my womanhood, and define myself as a woman in new ways after years of identifying as non-binary. I am grateful to be female, now. There was a process in exploring my gender identity that was really important for me to visit. Now, I am out the other end, bleeding regularly for the first time in years, accepting my body and breasts in new ways, and losing weight after putting on pound after pound these last four years. I do not think it is a coincidence that the pounds are finally falling away after finding Al-Anon. I have less of a need for my favorite coping mechanism. I was told years ago that carb loading has a direct influence on our serotonin levels. Overeating is also dopamine related. As a young child, when I was acting out in anger or tears, my parents would shove food in my face. “That will make her feel better!” So this sent me two fundamental messages right off the bat. One, that it is perfectly acceptable to self-medicate, especially with food. And two, that my tears and anger were not okay to feel or were something to deny or repress. Shutting myself up, ignoring myself, and becoming a people pleaser came very naturally to me. Over the years, it is possible that this codependent behavior caused my mental illnesses. Is this possible? Could this be the root, the answer to all of my troubles? Is this going to help my fourth steps be more effective? There are stories in my life are still very stuck within me, and AA has not been enough to unravel the source of these stories. I am hopeful in Al-Anon, my sponsor, and my new fellows in this program. Long ago, I believed my mental illness was virtually hopeless, and there was absolutely no unraveling it. There still may be no unraveling my schizoaffective disorder, but I am willing to try. I am willing to have some semblance of hope. Already I feel better, and am practicing self-care in new monumental ways.