Choosing Joy

It is a rainy overcast day here on Lopez Island in the Pacific Northwest, and some could say it is a dreary Spring Day, and in a way it does affect my mood. Every morning I drive out to the Isthmus at Otis Perkins and sit out there surrounded by water and watch the waves. I take a moment with myself, without music, and soak in the nature sounds. I do not take my phone and it is fifteen minutes where I really check in with myself. Sometimes my feelings are solemn, and I am feeling gentle pangs of grief. On a day like today, the spit is void of walkers and dogs, and I can settle even more into the feeling of “me time”. Being alone with nature on a day like today, and being a girl that grew up with the rain, I let myself have permission to feel soft. I can feel loneliness, sadness, grief, and I am surrounded by an environment that mingles with these sultry feelings.

Life is not easy, and being a caregiver can be exhausting. Yesterday, I pulled a muscle in my shoulder in the morning, and it was very painful. I had a trauma response where I felt extremely nauseous, dizzy, and had a hot flash where I had to take off my shirt. It passed, but I was still in a lot of pain. I could not bend over, turn my head, and every moment I could feel the strain in my shoulder. I soon realized that I did not have anyone who could take care of me. I also realized that my dog and Steve had needs that needed to be met, and so I struggled through my morning routines, because I had little choice but to do my best. I managed to walk the dog, and drive to the store, as well as get Steve his coffee. I also had to call a fellow in my program and problem solve how to run the meeting at noon. I could not attend in person and move tables and bend over or pick up boxes and books. There was no one to step in, so I sent out the email and texted, and chose to lead the meeting from my office on Zoom only. I did feel supported by my friend on the phone, and this was a good reminder that there are people in my programs that can offer me support when I am feeling needy or vulnerable. I am not alone.

My new sponsor on Thursday pointed out that making a decision was key. I had shared with her that I made a decision to bake myself a pineapple upside down cake on my birthday, so I wasn’t sitting around on my special day wondering why it didn’t feel special, and how I too was not special. The activity is key in keeping me busy and distracted, as well as taking my life into my own hands and giving myself what I want and need. I realized through making this decision that I can give myself what I need in this life. I don’t need to have false expectations of others. But it was the ‘making a decision’ part that was key. I thought about this a bit in regards to another difficult question that she asked me. She asked if taking care of Steve was a sustainable practice. It was a difficult thing to ask myself, and I spent some time feeling very guilty at the possibility of abandoning my caregiving role for my partner. I soon realized that I have a choice, and that this was the point. I then made a decision within myself to willingly choose to be a caregiver for Steve. It is important that I realize I have made this choice willingly. I didn’t just fall into this role out of obligation. I have now made the decision to take care of Steve because I love him more than anything in this world, and he would do the same for me.

In conclusion, I can choose to either accept or change. I can make a decision to choose my path in this life. I am allowed to choose to make changes if I need to. Or I can make the decision to accept what life has brought my way. I am an active participant and an empowered person. In truth, the longer I spend in my program that is teaching me about co-dependance, I am making many more active decisions in my life while learning to set boundaries and truly take care of myself in every moment. My resentments are slipping away, and I feel incredibly empowered. I take pride in honing my cooking and cleaning skills, and it means a lot to me to take care of my environment for both Steve and I, and the dog too. I washed his blankets the other day, and he notices; the dog that is. When I pick up his poop, spread straw, or mow the lawn, it is as if he is taking pride in his clean and organized environment. He has a sense of belonging, and he appreciates my efforts to make his yard a nice organized place. And Jay, my dog, brings me so much joy. He is my best friend. Because Steve struggles so much, he is currently unable to cook or clean the kitchen, or do things around the house like water the plants or clean the bathrooms. I do just about everything, including helping him walk and stand, but I am aware that I am making and active decision to do so, and I am choosing to take pride in all that I am doing. I actually feel very empowered. I have a lot of gratitude for all my blessings. My entire life Steve has supported me living with severe mental illness, and he still does. I now give my permission to accept my life just as it is, and I actively decide to live in joy and gratitude as I continue to take on life’s challenges one day at a time.