Rest and Peace

I write about the value of rest a lot. This is because I am aware that rest is controversial in my life. Maybe not literally so, but my conditioning both familial and societal urge me otherwise. I was raised in a very privileged family. I am thankful for the education and the experiences I had. I had private schooling, extra curricular activities, travel, and more. It was a time before the blue faced tribe, but still we managed to be very busy and distracted. I continued this behavior as I went off to college. I believe the lack of rest I received contributed to my mental illness. Today, a lack of rest exacerbates my illness. My society, in sobriety, also encourages achievement. A lot of sober people go back to school. Many people work more than one job because they are on a career path. Even having kids, a common goal, creates a lack of rest. For me, it looks like this. I create “jobs” in my life around working out, helping family, seeing friends, service positions in AA, and doing chores. I have known for some time that I don’t wish to overachieve, but I still can send myself negative messages. I don’t do enough. I don’t help family enough, I don’t see my friends enough, my local AA could really use my help, my house is dirty, there are weeds in the yard, I could push this workout the extra mile, and I could eat better and smoke less. It is a never ending cycle.

I must take a step back, and I am doing that now. In years past, I have discussed with my therapist that March and April are risky times of year for me. This therapist helped me with the idea of taking a “sabbatical” for the span of these two months. This same therapist has helped me significantly with healing around my eating disorder, my achievement disorder, and of course my mental illness. So I am taking her advice. Anything in my life that I can place the word job next to, regardless of my not having a “real” job, I am going to step back from. I am going to stop expecting so much from myself. I am going to stop filling the empty spaces that I do have in my life with negative self-talk. This will be a time to do soul work. It will be a time to really check in with my body. It will be a time of restored spontaneity. And most of all, it will be a time of compassion for myself and those in my immediate life, because what we experience within radiates outside of us.

The last four weeks I have felt tired and fatigued. I had made it a habit to drink a ton of coffee and work out an hour and a half three to four days a week. That is my biggest job. There are other ways to get gentle exercise; yoga, walking, dancing… and I plan on dipping my toe into these alternative modes of exercise. Taking observation over my life, and sharing and analyzing it, has given me the courage to make a significant change and choice. My body has spoken loudly and has asked for restorative rest. Now I must listen. I also plan to step back from taking on more service positions in AA. I am going to allow myself to have my feelings. When family feels too intrusive, when I receive a text that feels hard to respond to, or a phone call that I don’t want to answer, I not only am going to act in favor or my gut instincts, I am going to give myself needed affirmation. My partner tries all the time to validate my experience or encourage me to take it easy, but my self depreciating mind says “You are not enough.” Or “How could you possibly be overdoing it?! You are disabled and you are already doing the bare minimum!!” So, usually I try really hard and I regularly push myself. But it is okay to stop and rest. There are ways for me to participate in self-care and health that do not require pushing. Sitting meditation, eating fruits and vegetables, and most of all, allowing positive affirmation in the empty spaces.

I am responsible for carrying on the tapes that my childhood and society have offered me. I have a choice. I have a responsibility to take care of myself, and I can trust that because of my therapist and my own self-observation, that I am capable of making good choices. I validate you, Moon. You work so hard at managing your physical and mental health. You do enough and you are enough. Take this sabbatical time to look inward. Slow down and watch the season unfold. Allow an unfolding within. You will be stronger and more resilient because of it. If you yourself have felt fatigue this February, I invite you to join me. Let’s allow positive self-talk and affirmation to fill the empty spaces instead of self depreciating talk. I can give my life over to god and chaos, and stop trying to control what is beyond my control. In this peace I achieve, I hope to spread a sense of inner peace and self-love to those that surround me.