Love Emerging

The air is frozen outside and there are tiny flecks of snow blowing around. I imagine that this is the last freeze of Winter out here in the PNW, and that the weather will turn after this freeze and we will be welcoming in early Spring sunshine. I have been dealing with sluggishness. Perhaps a mild illness, though it has stretched over the span of three weeks, or all of February. I did go to the gym yesterday. I have been averaging two days a week this month, though I made it in for three workouts last week. I have been able to make other healthy advances in my life, however. I have started to eat more fruits and vegetables, and am really enjoying doing so. Perhaps this is Springtime voicing itself in my consciousness. I have always had a block when it comes to eating fruits and vegetables, though that seems to have lifted.

Small victories such as this is what living with mental illness is all about. I have never been good at positive self-talk. Often when I am doing something monumental around the house, my partner tries to cheer me on and I am resistant to his praise. Why is it hard for me to accept a compliment for something as simple as vacuuming the house or taking out the trash and recycle? I want to change this about myself. Lately, I have been awarding myself with positive self-talk when I practice basic hygiene or accomplish a small chore. It feels really really good.

Living with mental illness is strange and difficult. Being the end of February, I am looking for small clues to imbalance in my life that could lead to symptoms further down the line. March and April can be manic times for me… so where does it all start? To a novice it may seem we just wake up one day to find that we are missing sleep, feeling debilitating overwhelmingness or anxiety, sliding into a depression, or having psychotic thoughts. I believe that these bigger symptoms all have a beginning. As a sober person in recovery from both alcoholism and mental illness, I have made it my priority to manage my mental illness and to be in active recovery. Resentment and negative thoughts toward people can be the start to craving for a substance. Managing the need for rest can prevent more serious symptoms regarding my mental illness. Denying my feelings, and practicing negative self-talk can lead to both.

It is my job now to spot the beginnings to symptoms and craving. I have addictive behavior with food, tobacco, and alcohol. I do not desire to get to the place where I am acting out my eating disorder with addictive behavior around food. Managing my weight and blood sugar is part of my basic wellness plan. If I overdo exercise at a time of year that is naturally more stressful, like the transition from Winter to Spring, I may find it difficult to sleep or find that I am entertaining thoughts that aren’t real. One night of bad sleep then catapults me into bigger problems such as major anxiety, agitation, psychosis, and depression. I am lucky to not be a self harmer, but I understand thoughts of self-harm and suicidal ideation are very real for some people. So where does this all begin?

Preventing major symptoms is not the only goal. I am in full-time recovery, because I want to heal and get better. I want to learn to honor my feelings and have positive self-talk. This begins with acknowledging myself for talking a shower, making it to the gym, doing a chore around the house, or checking in on a friend. It means respecting myself as a writer despite my lack of notoriety. It means attending recovery meetings and trying to understand and unravel my addictive behavior. It means handling myself gently at “at risk" times of year. It means close observation of my life to find what triggers my mental health symptoms. I am enough. I am more than enough. I am good and worthy. I am more than good and worthy. I am learning to take better care of myself. If I want to give myself a gold star for eating a salad or changing my dirty underwear, then I am allowed to. I strive to be stable and happy and mostly I am.

Give yourself a hug. Nestle into the end of Winter and honor your inner most desires and feelings. Tell yourself “job well done” if you are active in recovery. No matter your challenge, honor yourself by acknowledging your efforts to manage it and your striving to be happy and well despite it. It may be trauma, an addiction, depression, or another mental illness. We all have it. Positive self-talk is a start, and something we all can practice despite the size of our mental and physical challenges. Tell yourself good job. Love your imperfections. See them as part of a bigger picture where you are worthy of love and praise. We are enough. Let’s start with believing it.