The Gift of Time
Give time time…. this is a saying we hear in the program. Time is a healing agent in our lives, and we can use it to our benefit. The truth is that if we suffer day to day and try to get through, all the while taking actions that are healthy, slowly as time passes, we will improve. Another saying is that we gain self esteem by doing esteemable acts. I like this. If I do things that are good for me, that are good for others, I can build a positive sense of self. It takes time.
My life has been a ride. I have done many things, large and small, to attend to my sense of self. I have made mistakes too. Now, today, I can start rebuilding my life in recovery. As I reflect back on the last twenty five years of my life, the most I have accomplished, despite surviving and healing, is that I still am in my relationship. We have been together twenty five years this April. Some of my peers from my young privileged life may have checked off a few more boxes. They may have graduated college, found a career, traveled the world, got married and had kids, or bought a home. Just because I only partly succeeded at a couple of these milestones, doesn’t mean that time was wasted. I am very proud of my life and my relationship. I have worked many jobs, raised several dogs, owned a little home, built a garden and yard, made many friends, savored nature, published a book, and had lots of experiences.
Today, I find myself at a beginning. I am sober now. I am at mid-life. It is time to soothe my wounds. Taking life and recovery day by day, I lose a sense of fear around time. My perspective about life, in recovery, has changed. I am riding the wave. Life keeps happening, but now I am trying live a life of great value. I suppose life was “lifey” in the past. Amidst all my experiences, there were bumps and bruises too. Even in my privileged childhood. I have little desire do build a career around writing as I could, I only wish to ride this wave of recovery, and let time do its thing.
Sobriety is a thing in and of itself. As we watch day after day pass, and we work a program, whatever program that may be, we feel a gentle improvement. Focusing on each day as a miracle, and using the framework of each day to manage our behavior closely, we begin to build our esteemable selves. Somehow, the meditation of focusing on one day at a time, we begin to build years or a lifetime in recovery. If we are doing it right, taking it day by day, taking the next right action, doing our inventories, calling our sponsor and going to therapy, attending meetings, and participating fully in our recovery and sobriety, time begins to build our new found selves for us. In the past, when I was in my twenties, I had a lot of anxiety around time. I felt I was missing the opportunity to go to college or build the foundation of a career because of my disability. But I struggled through it, and now when I look back, I am very grateful for the life I lived exactly how I lived it. “We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.” (The ninth step promises pp. 83-84 in Alcoholics Anonymous, The Big Book).
My relationship with time is not linear. When I meditate on time, I think of eons, and I gain perspective. I am just a blink. But when I settle in, in the moment I can still experience so much, and I have so many moments to come. It gets easier. So I stick with it, and as each day comes, I check in. Some days are better than others. Some days I have more energy than others. Some days I rest. Some days I get stuff done. And some days I have to make an amends or an apology in the here and now. I am not perfect. More and more, I am increasingly grateful for this fact. I may have tried to be perfect in my flawed mind, but my past life has been perfect in all its imperfections. So I have time, past, present, and future. Time is a gift, and I can savor it one day at a time.