Whole Body Blues

I am struggling with resilience. I know that I am being called to be resilient right now. I have arrived at the point in my life where I am experiencing some fatigue. Yesterday, I went for a walk, a modest one and a half miles. It was challenging, but I was so grateful to get out into the light and fresh air. I have had to humble myself before my exhaustion, and it has me thinking about what other things I can do to make my life enriching. I have been eating salads and fruit. I have returned to my willow tree, and have been sitting in nature and stillness. I am experiencing balance as a way of remaining still and restorative but not becoming sedentary or depressed.

Sadness can arrive when I slow down. But these feelings seeping in through the cracks when I accomplish less, can be important time for observation. What is pulling me downward in the stillness? I know I have stored grief in my body. I absorb, not just from people in my life, but from the world in general. I have often thought I am psychic to some degree. It is possible that in this fatigue that I am feeling, I am being called to listen to these deeper patterns in my existence. What are you sad about, Moon? Can you listen to these soft waves and bring understanding and love to yourself and your path? Life is not meant to be mechanistic in my opinion. Yesterday was really hard. My body hurt, and I felt heavy. Even though I got outside for a walk, it felt difficult to propel myself down the road.

My body has changed from a couple of years of working out at the local gym. I have taken some breaks in this time, but the gym is a regular part of my life. My legs are totem poles, thick and hard from miles upon miles of exercise. In this sabbatical that I am journeying on for March and April, it is time to listen to this hard, large body I have. I must seek balance and go for walks, dance or practice yoga. Yesterday, it was so hard, but I did it. I plan to go walking after writing this post. As I sit here and write these words, listening to soft music, I am practicing listening to my body and spirit. I am letting my soul speak. When we practice mental health, there are two aspects to recovery. There is basic wellness which includes diet, exercise, hygiene, and taking care of our environment. There is also a spiritual aspect to mental health. My psychic tendencies fall under this category.

Why I am I so robust? It is not simply a physical reality, and it would take more than a lifetime to unravel. I am heavy because I take on the heaviness of the world. I give of myself in ways beyond what a small body could handle. All of the emotional and spiritual support I offer those in my life adds to the protective layer that is my frame. I can learn to love this about myself. I can learn to accept that I am big. So many people try very hard to lose weight. My weight is spiritual and psychosomatic. It is only in stillness and rest that I am going to find any answers regarding this psychic predicament. I am unsure that I am ready. There is sadness in my muscles, and I can feel it there now. My young niece loves to crawl on and lay on my large soft body. It is as if she knowns that I would do anything to protect her. I would even take her sadness and grief from her and wear it on my body until I figured out what to do with it. Perhaps, I could stop this psychic awareness, but it is very much who I am. The physical world encourages that my weight is from my medication or my diet, but I am fully aware that the reality of the flesh I carry goes far beyond the physical world, even though physical weight is the side effect.

I am learning to love myself. In this time of fatigue, I am seeking answers beyond the physical. It is time to slow down and listen to my body. It is time to listen to Enya, as I am doing now, and sing sweet lullabies to my body and heart. I can only pray that as I continue in recovery, and as I learn to be more spiritual, that I can also learn to give some of the responsibility I feel for the world to a higher power. I can let the earth, the cosmos, and god take and heal my sadness, which is also very much a communal malady. I may want to sacrifice myself in this way, and if that is my choice, I must accept and love my body the way it is. I must nurture my fatigue, and accept all of my curves and muscles. I am beautiful as are you. Take care of yourself today. If that is creating a psychic force around you where you are able to take the time to listen to yourself and tap into a greater healing, or if it is going for a walk and doing yoga, you can listen either way. I will be listening. To my grief, to my joy, to my lost pieces that live inside.