The Body: Its Season and Its Music

My “sabbatical” is underway, and I am learning to enjoy the minimization that occurs when I watch and listen closely to my body. Yesterday, I cried in a meeting over what normally would be nothing at all. My emotions are heightened, I am physically tired, but thankfully I am not experiencing any psychosis. February marked a time when I was experiencing some fatigue. Then early this month I strained both of my knees while sitting for too long, and I have been paying for that. Trouble was, taking time off of the gym and still wanting to get some exercise, I plodded down the road every day for a week, and this made one of my knees act up in serious pain. So out of necessity, I found myself back at the gym. Only, instead of doing hour and a half aerobic workouts, I have shortened my workout considerably, and my first two days back at the gym I did not exceed 45 minutes. I feel that I am crawling my way out of this fatigue that I am experiencing. The “sabbatical” I am taking is helping considerably. My good knee that I hurt somehow, and my bad knee that was acting up from the walking, are both feeling much better, though are still stiff, swollen and aching, just to a lesser degree.

I can still love my body. Actually, slowing down and listening closely to the pains, aches, and tiredness, I am finding that there is emotion to attend to as well. I have been exploring going deep into my body-consciousness, and asking the questions, “what does this pain mean?” Or “is there grief in my knees?” Or “am I holding rage deep down in my tissues?” And “how can I better listen to my self and my body?” Jung believed that all physical disease started as emotion. In “Conscious Femininity” by Marion Woodman, a jungian analyst, she discusses the possibility of arthritis being suppressed rage, and cancer being suppressed despair. As the world is opening and breathing with the start of Spring, I find myself opening, and asking these questions. When I embrace stillness and I listen to all of the messages that my body has to offer, as well as the discomfort or pain I experience psychologically, I know I am making true progress. Addictions such as alcoholism, eating disorders, smoking, and others, are mere symptoms of our underlying realities. I am so much more than my simple physical frame. I find that when I learn to accept and love the emotions and sensations of my body, I feel seen. I feel validated and held. I know that I am moving in the right direction. I can let go of messages like “You are fat”, or “You are lazy”, because I can feel true progress taking place.

I have wanted to quit smoking and have been looking closer at this issue. Unfortunately, a time of year when I am managing my mental illness closely, I cannot cut back or quit without causing more distress. I heard a voice the other day when I was in between sleep and waking life say, “You are ready to quit smoking.” It was definitely a female voice. I did not recognize it as my own voice, though it most likely did emerge from my deep subconscious. The work I am doing during my sabbatical, this listening to my body, is so needed, and is in the long run going to treat probable disease in my life. There has to be a neutral. I have to allow myself to idle. I think this work that I am able to do while achieving neutral, is going to help me quit when I am ready. Right now I have simple goals, around diet, exercise, and sobriety. I am continuing to pursue these goals, all the while slowing down enough to listen to the voice within that is yearning and crying to be heard. I go to a lot of meetings, and there I am able to listen to others as they process and navigate their sobriety and healing. We share on topics such as positive affirmation, gratitude, and surrender. I go to two or three meetings a day, and I spend this time tuning in.

As the flowers emerge, as the grass grows, and as the birds migrate in, I am going to continue on my sabbatical and listen to my deep inner music. I will try and harmonize with the season, which ironically feels like a very good time to rest. I was very active this winter, and though that may have kept the blues at bay, it is good to slow down and listen as well. I write constantly about rest on this blog, and for once I think I might listen to my own words. Rest, appreciation for all that is as it is, is medicine for the spirit and body. As I quest further and am birthed through the dizzying canal of Spring, I will stay humble. So much in this life is fleeting. I wish only to savor what is right in front of me in all of its glory.