ALONE

I am not alone. Several years ago when I was writing the introduction to my third manuscript, I discussed how I was truly alone. The idea behind this was that when we leave this world we are alone. We head off into the light and we have only ourselves. Some may say that Jesus or God holds our hand. I had a vision on psychedelics when I was a teenager about being alone. I was a flower, the only living thing on a planet of rock. I felt intrinsically what it would be like to be the only living thing in a vast solar system, and I felt this in the core of my being. Living with mental illness can be an incredibly isolating experience. In this introduction, I was simply discussing this feeling. I have been alone in psychosis many times. There are imaginary friends and beings with me when I am in a psychotic episode, but as I return to reality and the fantasies and visions fade to nothing, I realize how alone I was for those months of instability. Trying to describe my experience to my family and loved ones who do not have mental illness has been extremely difficult throughout my life, and this has left me feeling very alone.

Five years ago, I entered a recovery program that works as a mental health support group. I have listened to the pain and suffering and experiences of others meeting after meeting. Over time I have felt less alone. I also have become strong enough to talk about my illness with my family, and they have taken a class with NAMI that helped them understand. I have been stable for over three years, and have continued therapy and regular psychiatry appointments with an amazing therapist and doctor. All of this has me feeling less alone. I may be alone when I pass from this world, but I am not sure of that anymore. I have had visions around the death of my dogs, and I have felt that as they passed on to peace, they felt amazing love and light. Despite attending secular meetings, I do believe in God. I trust that there is a pattern and divine plan for my life. The more work I do, the more I have been able to accept my illness and my disability. The more I recover and heal, the more I know that my life has immense purpose and that I am not alone.

I never ended up publishing my manuscript “Questing Sanity”, though I have posted it on WelcomeToTheGrit. I have considered rewriting the introduction many times, but I trust that those words hold their own wisdom while discussing and describing my healing process, and my reflections on what it feels like to live with severe mental illness. These feelings of aloneness were true for a long time. Now that I have fellows that are on a similar path as my own, I feel less alone. Giving my family a copy of a crises plan, I felt less alone. Trusting my partner, and returning to reality, I am able to feel companionship. After years of stability, I can sense my community all around me. I feel celebrated as I live a life of recovery and remission. As I write these words on my blog, and I as reach out into the hearts of others that are touched by mental illness, I feel less alone. As I continue to live a spiritual life, and heal, I feel less alone. I can feel spirit and light all around me. Light may not always have a face, but it has a presence, and I experience that light and faith in my life on a regular basis.

Feeling alone was a central part on my path with mental illness. It is still there in my past as a reminder to what others may be feeling. It is a small black stone that I carry as a reminder of where I have been and what it feels like to be alone. And there was beauty and comfort in this deep aloneness. Obviously myself, I prefer to be freed from this aloneness. Still, it had become so paramount to my experience, that I became unafraid of the experience. I became okay with being alone. Perhaps making peace with this feeling is part of what helped me move past it. And writing always helps bring things to the light. I do edit, but I try not to change the content of my writing, because I trust that this experience that I have had and am writing about has a purpose. It is as if I went on a quest and discovered this gift; this sad, scary gift. As they say, what does not kill us makes us stronger. Now, I am able to reach others who are in this place. Many many humans suffer with mental illness or addiction, and we fall into deep dark places within ourselves. Healing is about accepting these experiences and moving past them. We do this as we learn to trust and hold the hands of others. Through accepting this aloneness, we become free of it and are able to move on. The healing path has so much to offer. I am now surprised at and hopeful in the feelings of peace and serenity that I feel and experience on a daily basis.