Meds

Nature is abundant. It is so beautiful and resilient. Mid June and everything is growing and lush. Currently in the NW, we are having mild weather. Partial sun, sprinkles, warmish temps. I have been noticing smells all around. Fresh grass, roses, fir trees and their sprinkles basking in the sun, lush smells coming off of the water, smoke from the outdoor fires, cut grass. It all is intoxicating. Mostly I am doing well. We are moving forward with chemo treatment for Steve. I have been in to the clinic a couple times recently for labs and a pap for myself. Steve has a neurology appointment coming up on Thursday, then the following week we will be doing more chemo. My desire is to keep up with my family when I can. Yesterday for Fathers’ day I went to Quaker meeting in the morning and Deep Song in the evening with my Dad. I wrote him a card that was well received, and I felt that I was able to honor him on the special day. I got to see my niece and nephew at Quaker meeting, and I wish that I could fit in more play dates. It feels like enough just to keep up on cooking and cleaning, walking the dog, and maintaining my mental and physical health along with keeping an eye on Steve. It felt slightly disorienting to be gone and so social yesterday. I am glad that I felt good and had the energy for it all, but I know that I am happier when I stay in my bubble, at least right now.

I also am going down on a very potent antipsychotic that I have been taking for three plus years. Originally, I needed a double dose to fight my psychosis, of which I struggled with immensely between 2018 and 2021. For the majority of that time I took a different drug that I never quite adjusted to and it was very difficult. I had terrible side effects. Eventually, during my episode in early 2021, my doctor recommended the medication I take currently and it worked well. I did put on some weight, and I am working hard at staying active, eating well and accepting my body. Today I just have a few more days at 25 mg, then will be at 20 mg ongoing. Originally we went up to 40 mg, twice the average dose, because I was suffering so greatly. There has been side effects with this drug besides the weight gain, but I have assimilated and adjusted to most of those effects. I am incredibly happy to be on less of this potent drug. I welcome it in my life, because I’ve really needed something to work, and it has.

Some people may not understand this, but when you are truly suffering with mental health symptoms, a drug that works is a god send. We will put up with almost anything to be stable, once we have accepted treatment, along with drooling, weight gain, sluggishness, dizziness, feeling numb, dysarthria (difficulty with speech), blurred vision, fogginess, and more. It is easy to judge these drugs because of the effects they seem to have on people. But there is nothing as valuable as becoming free of depression, mania, psychosis, and crippling anxiety. Psychosis has been the worst culprit in my recent episodes. I am not schizophrenic, I am schizoaffective, so I am also treated for mood disruption and I have affect. The meds I have been taking, of which there are two that treat mood, have continued to work. It was mostly psychosis I suffered from between 2018-2021, though there were many emotional outbursts, just not terrible mania or depression. During those several years I was not entirely unstable, I just had severe episodes the summer of 2018, the summer of 2019, and after Christmas in 2021. It was difficult for me and everyone around me to witness and experience these difficult times. But I had help. I had a doctor and therapist through it all that worked tirelessly to medicate and support me. My family during this period took a “Family to Family” course with NAMI to educate themselves on my experience, and became increasingly understanding. The course was intensive and time consuming, and I felt touched and changed to see that they would take so much time out of their incredibly busy lives for this class. Why wouldn’t they? When your daughter is screaming in her back yard in the middle of the night, what do you do? You walk up to the fence and stick your hand through and tell her that you love her. Around this time I wrote an intensive crisis plan to help us all if these unfortunate events reoccurred or got worse, and gave a copy to all of my family members as well as my doctor and therapist. There are many resources online if you want to do this for yourself or someone in your family. One great workbook is WRAP, a Wellness Recovery Action Plan. I worked through this book with my therapist in therapy.

There needs to be more awareness around mental health issues of which a good many Americans suffer from and which effect millions of families. Treatment needs to be accessible and kind. But mostly, medications being a first and very important step in recovery, there should be less bias against these life saving drugs. Stigmas exist for a reason, and as I mentioned, these drugs come with many challenges. But if a patient is stabilized, it is much more likely that they will remain stable. Once stable for some time, meds can always be adjusted or lessened. Western medicine has its place, and I see this and trust in this while Steve goes through his chemo treatments. I wish that herbs and acupuncture could cure us all, but I am a firm believer in these medications that have billions of dollars of research behind their development. And because they work. If there were less stigma around medications, patients may be more likely to accept treatment. You can do your part as an ally to mental health consumers to not berate these drugs. It is easy to be judgmental, I understand that. Until it is someone you love dearly who is suffering with one or more of these terrible symptoms.