Nothing Is Enough

I am exhausted. My therapist called me back yesterday to iron out a scheduling issue. I have had to reschedule with her twice because we have had so many appointments for Steve’s chemo. We have struggled with scheduling those appointments, and there have been some conflicts. We got to speak for five minutes on the phone. She told me that she is listening to an audio book right now titled “How to do Nothing”. So it was a short visit, but the wisdom I gathered from that short conversation was profound. Right now, we are overwhelmed with many consecutive appointments for Steve’s cancer treatment. Steve has gone to several of these appointments on his own, but somehow, I am still exhausted and overwhelmed. On days that I don’t travel with him, I still wake up at 3am to send him off. I do my best loading the car for him and helping in any way I can. We just got a new walker, and that brings me great joy. Steve has said that it has been a game changer for him while traveling by himself. It has large all-terrain rubber wheels, and increased mobility with front wheels that spin. He is able to get it in and out of the trunk on his own, and the walker has him feeling much more secure when he is independent. I have been able to stay home with the dog and cat, and get some chores done around the house. For those that don’t know, for us to travel to the hospital, we must take a ferry ride for almost an hour to get to the mainland, then a forty-five minute drive. Returning to Lopez after a long day off island, I am reminded at the amazing peace I get to experience while living in these islands.

I needed to hear this, that I should focus on doing nothing. It seems that there is an emotional weight to handling Steve’s cancer. I myself live with a disability, and I use very little other than my prescribed medication to get by. I have given up both coffee and alcohol, because though initially they make me feel good, or help me handle a situation better, very quickly the actual results are very different. I find myself experiencing anxiety, depression, and feelings of instability. Increased mental health stability is very much the reason that I have given up these substances. My prescribed medications help me greatly, but in many ways I am still fragile. The recent news we got about Steve’s health was that his white blood cell count was severely low. He has needed to go in to the hospital every day for four days for a shot that will hopefully boost his white blood cells. For us, that looks like traveling off island every day. Luckily, after his next round of chemo, insurance will cover a much stronger dose, and he will only have to travel for one day after his chemo treatment, for one single shot that is ten times as strong. For the most part, we are handling things fine, but the stress of going into quarantine because Steve is very immunocompromised, coupled with general anxiety about Steve’s health, I kind of have hit a wall. Then my sweet therapist calls me up and shares with me this audiobook she is listening to. It is actually okay for me to sit and process, heal, recover, and “do nothing”.

Pushing myself to the limit can be scary. It feels good to write about my experience on this blog, and in my gratitude and affirmation lists I share every day with some fellows. I can experience panic if I let myself think about performing at a higher level than I am able. Usually, I push myself to exercise and do my best with chores. My floors need vacuuming, and my lawn could use some beautifying, but I am okay with letting those things sit. My laundry, garbage, dishes, toilets, compost and recycle, all are up to speed. Even if they weren’t it would be okay to let myself settle in and take a break. The emotional side of things is very taxing. Getting up really early, and all of the physical activity I have been doing recently, has helped bring me to my limit. I can get nervous. I still have no psychosis, so that is really good. I am just tired and overwhelmed; which is natural. This week I am missing church, I miss the kids, and I miss going for walks. Right now, I have a strain in my calf and elbow. I believe this is a perfect example of my body encouraging me to do nothing. There is an art to doing nothing. How do we sit with ourselves while we do nothing, and not let in feelings of self-doubt, insecurity, or shame? How do we not “should” ourselves out of existence? I suppose that is the goal; to be okay with ourselves right where we are at with no exceptions. Sometimes things can get challenging, and then, is a perfect time to rest. Emotionally I need to heal and process. I can do this if I find a way to actually do nothing. I can take in the sound of the rain, let my mind wander with my eyes closed, or just stare off into the trees in my backyard. Life is good, and it is important that we take good care of ourselves so that we can be there for the ones we love.