What is a personal boundary? When we create boundaries with other people, we are very much making boundaries with ourselves. We are letting them know that certain situations are not tolerable for us, and we let them know what our actions will be if a situation becomes unacceptable. For example, if I am feeling badgered by my partner, if they begin criticizing me in an unhealthy way, I may decide to leave the room. I have made a boundary with the other person, and let them know that I do not like their behavior, but I am in control of how I respond, and my boundary has to do with my own behavior and how I choose to react. The other day, a friend brought up in a meeting that we could have boundaries with ourselves as well. This was very interesting to me, so I began to ponder what this could look like.

An example of having a boundary with myself could look like this. When I have a certain thinking pattern begin in my head, I may remember to let myself know that I do not appreciate this type of thinking for myself. I may go a step further to act upon my boundary. I may say a mantra or an affirmation. I may decide to do a two minute breathing exercise with my Fitbit watch. I may take a moment to reassess what my day is looking like. If my thinking or behavior feels unstable to me, I may restructure my time so that I have less stress, or even take a pill. If I go so far as to get angry or to build a resentment, I might take a look at revisiting the twelve steps of my program. I might choose to actively do step three where I remember to surrender my will to a higher power, I may do a daily inventory of my actions while practicing step ten, or I may choose to take some time for meditation and prayer as suggested in step eleven. I can also create a personal boundary around exercise, and for me this is important. I, as a person that has suffered with an eating disorder in my past, and as a person who is prone to addictive behavior, need good boundaries around overdoing it at the gym for example. I need to allow myself a day off, and to try to listen to my body when I am doing aerobic exercise. I also need a boundary with my Fitbit watch. I need to know that I will not always achieve my ten thousand step goal, and allow for flexibility and slower step days.

Spiritually, I can employ this idea of a boundary with myself as well. For me this looks like allowing space for breath by challenging my conditioning and moving towards faith. The reason this feels so spiritual and progressive to me, is that all of these years I have struggled with negative voices or goals for achievement that are not right sized for myself. It was my addictive tendencies that prevented me from succeeding in fully recognizing when I was off track. A spiritual will power allows for a change of course and behavior instead of using my own will power to try and correct my thinking and behavior. For so long, even though I knew I didn’t want to be a certain person while acting in anger, and denying my personal need for slowness and recovery, I instead pushed myself over the edge over and over. In the end, I would wonder how I got myself in this predicament once again. Why can’t I be more enlightened about mental and physical health?

In recent years, I have been doing a lot of work in my twelve step program. I have learned that addictive tendencies are an illness, and that we need to work on ourselves to recreate a person with healthy habits and thinking. Spirituality has been a crucial part of finding the space for me to heal from this ailment. So, as I learn and grow in recovery, both from addiction and from mental illness, I find I can do what is needed for me to finally think the thoughts and do the actions that I know are best for me mentally, physically and spiritually. As a result, I am finding that when I have a thought I can pause. When I am tempted to overdo it, I can slow myself down. I find that I do not struggle with chronic anger or feelings of self-doubt, self-hatred or shame. All of that sadness and negativity is replaced by empty space where I can be still and calm. I can find the next right action by moving slowly and spiritually into faith rather than negative thought or reaction.

This peace I have found from working on these personal boundaries, follows me throughout my day, and at times can be very subtle. Sometimes I realize that I can have a thought, or a series of thoughts, and then let them go. I do not need to say them out loud or to write them down necessarily. As I get older and push closer to forty-five, I find that my mind often can’t hold onto or remember things or thoughts like it used to. But the most important thing is that I’ve learned to let go of anger, negativity and shame. That is the boundary that I wish to continue for myself today. I can let all of that dark, mucky and negative stuff sift through my mind like a colander and then let it dissipate into the universe. I must have faith or spirituality to do this. I may have to sit in uncertainty and unknowing. I may forget or lose something. So be it. Life isn’t perfect nor is it meant to be. If I can find peace and serenity in this uncertain place, I can learn to be okay in almost any situation or circumstance that arises.