Where I am Now
The weather is so warm and balmy for this time of year. Yesterday, I was out walking the dogs after dark to max out my ten thousand steps for the day, and I couldn’t believe how warm and dry it was. It does not make for good snow conditions in the mountains, but luckily I don’t have to deal with that as I am an ex skier and snowboarder.
Life has brought me through so many changes. I have evolved as a human being, and though I am still the person I was 25 years ago in some respect, I have also crossed many bridges and climbed many metaphorical mountains since then. In my twenties with Steve, we would drive to the mountains every other weekend in the summer camping season to camp by the river for a few days. This also seems like a lifetime ago. Since moving to these islands fifteen years ago, we have only been to the mountains a handful of times. I miss the river, as I also miss the snow in the mountains, but I have nestled into a calm and restorative way of life here in the San Juan Islands. Nature is all around and abundant, and it is not like living in the city where one learns to crave wide open spaces of tall evergreens, flowing rivers, and giant ravens. Here, on Lopez Island, I have nature right out my back door. Eagles, Red Tailed Hawks, Ravens, Flickers, Swallows, Woodpeckers, Hummingbirds, insects, frogs, deer, raccoons and more, are around my very home, and I can enjoy many of them from my porch. I am blessed in this way.
The person I am today has evolved. We all evolve as we age. I spent over a decade painting, but do not do so currently. I used to be a runner and as I said a snowboarder, but I do not do that currently. I have spent over a decade as an early childhood professional, but do not do that currently. I have spent a decade writing on this blog, and have learned and developed my writing craft. My body has changed, my mind has changed. I have fought off addiction and mental illness. I have spent time stable and unstable. All of this is my history and makes up who I am, and yet I choose to not be defined by my past.
Living one day at a time and in the moment helps me redefine my person in my current reality. I am grateful for where I have been in life and all I have seen, but I am not one to carry around accomplishments or titles to prove that I have an accomplished identity. I can live a spiritual life and know that I am worthy without any title or accomplishment. I have chosen to not publish my writing currently, and I write for the practice and the experience, not for selling the end product. I like that. My writing is not a product, it is not for sale. It is simply an avenue for sharing myself and for self reflection and healing.
Wouldn’t that be great, if we all identified ourselves as who we are in this current moment, rather then showing off the badges of our past in order to prove our worthiness to the world? I am lucky that I am able to live this way. My experiences all gather together and transport me to this current moment, but they have no form or face. They are simply feelings and sensations that help me further be present in the here and now. I choose to not live my life in the vein of accomplishment, and being disabled, I luckily am not working on my resume in order to sell myself to a job. There are so many things about this society that resemble ailment. Like consumerism and Christmas. It is supposed to be a spiritual holiday, but we all manage to get lost in the capitalist aspect to our giving. I myself, celebrated Solstice this year over several days. I had a nice visit with an old friend, had a fire in my yard, and did a predawn walk in the dark with a group on women to a lookout then sat in the woods and watched the light return. None of this required me to buy presents and wrap them. All of these experiences involved being in the moment.
This day, this moment, I choose love and acceptance for myself. I choose to avoid living for accomplishment, even while using my new Fitbit watch. In order to see myself holistically, I must take the time to observe and be present with myself. Sometimes, getting away from social media and “the box” is important for this. I have nature and I have my breath to focus on. Mindfully, I can enter each day in gratitude for myself, exactly where I have arrived with all of my experiences. Then, I can let the past go. Blessings to you this New Year. May you too let go of the old, and welcome in the new. New Year’s represents a new beginning, but also can represent living mindfully day in and day out, as each breath, each sunrise, is a new beginning.