Undressing Faith

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I may have finally reached my desired dosage of the new drug that I am taking. I successfully retired three other drugs that I take for my schizoaffective disorder, and as I went down and off of these drugs, I slowly introduced Olanzapine/ Zyprexa into my life. The adjustment does not come without struggle, however, and the last couple days I have dealt with grogginess. But the anger outbursts are much less, and the paranoia has all but been eliminated. Paranoia, I have dealt with recently in ways that I have not before. I have dealt with psychosis for as long as I can remember in my adult life, but not necessarily paranoia. I have to wonder if sobriety, and the process of facing deep resentment has played a roll. I found myself being paranoid and overly affected by the prospect of what people were thinking of me. I was afraid of being judged. I believe that dealing with the battle of the ego and pride, learning of self-will and giving this up, and the process of getting out of my narcissistic self, all resulted in me facing off a degree of paranoia. It is a lot to sort through. The point is, that I am feeling less anger, paranoia, and outrage. The track of sobriety, and the treatment of Olanzapine, are working together to bring me back into my body and to experiencing sanity.

There is more work to be done. I am just getting rebooted on the trail of sobriety, and I am excited to start step work. I have heard from people in the program, that say to keep coming back, that it can get better with time if one does the work. This year is about me focusing on Faith. I have assigned the color green to the word, and my plan is to meditate in the woods upon what Faith truly is. As a noun, as a subject, as a verb, as anything. One way Faith has been described to me, is the lack of fear. Others have said it is about believing in anything that is outside of oneself. Others say that the road to enlightenment and thus blind Faith resides within. Some believe that Faith involves a set of moral guides or values to keep one in a state of love and respect for those we promise our lives to in marriage as well as childbirth or adoption. Some believe that Faith and forgiveness go hand in hand. I lately have gravitated towards Faith having to do with forgiveness. To me it all comes back to forgiveness. I am forgiven. I must forgive others, just like in the Lord’s prayer. This implies that Faith is an action and not a noun. I have wondered at why Alcoholics Anonymous changed their slogan from verbs into nouns. The coins used to read: Unite, Serve, Recover. Now they read: Unity, Service, Recovery. In a way, the nouns describe us as a fellowship in embodiment within these words, where as in verb/command form, it brings one back to individual responsibility. Both sound good, in my opinion.

So, what is Faith? Is Faith a thing? Is it a practice, or an action, that we take? Is Faith beyond grammar, and that is why it is Faith? We have Faith. We are Faith. We act in Faith. I look forward to many hours in my meditation spot, which this time of year is very green, pondering this simple word. Faith is a promise. It is a promise of forgiveness. It is a promise of a future experience of peace and serenity. It is a promise that we make to ourselves, and that we make to other people who have faith in us. It is a promise that we alone, and we as fellows, have purpose. That our struggle can bear fruit. I have Faith today, that the simplest of acts, if done in Faith, have great meaning. It is in Faith that I realize that even the mundane or the simple things can have power and purpose. We all matter. Somehow in realizing that we are a part of what matters, and that what matters is a part of us, we surrender our egos and are then able to let in the unknowing. Beyond the knowing, beyond the forgetting, beyond the forgiving, perhaps this is where and what Faith is.