The Sun of God

Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.

I had a fight with my partner last night. It was spurned by something fairly minor, and both of us acted ridiculously, to be honest. We have been under a lot of pressure. Steve has been going through amazing challenges as he has begun to be treated for a lung issue, and he has also spent many weeks virtually unable to breathe, as he proceeded to have many tests done while diagnosing the issue with his specialist. The meds he is on now are helping greatly, and his condition is treatable. In the meantime, I have been adjusting to new medication, coming out of an episode, and am getting sober. Yesterday, I had sixty days, and I feel a little drowsy as I think we have finally reached my proper dose of my new medication. All in all, my life has had a few more responsibilities, it seems like, as Steve has been pretty incapacitated. I have had to watch my anger and my outbursts, and have had to take extra medication and time off when these anger displays occur. I reached my apogee the other day, the furthest distance of the moon from the earth, and the fight last night felt like the the finale before the curtains finally closed on this saga that I have been living in. I, it, has been a mess. 

This morning, everything is a little more peaceful, and the crickets are chirping in the aftermath of last night’s grand finale. I am still on God’s path, however, and I am staying true to course. Last night, I wanted to end this course, but I am not sure what my other options would be. I am not staying here, with Steve at my side, because of lack of other options. I have chosen this. I know “this” is good. I will not deny that I have had a few evenings where I yelled “fuck” on my porch very loudly, and I am sure everyone in the valley heard. My sister’s life is full, and sometimes I think my parents fail to understand my life in its entirety as they are fully privileged, but they do try, and they also offer endless support. I worked on my gratitudes yesterday, and among them are living on this beautiful property with my mother in affordable housing, and for the financial support that both my mother and father provide. It is important to get right with God when you feel you are pinned up against a wall in life. In order to wedge out from the painful place, we need perspective. Gratitude helps to do this, and it is a very popular practice amongst those in recovery.

I hope today, that I will be able to get something major done such as vacuuming the house or mowing the lawn, but if not, I will remain grateful, anyways. I am lucky to have Steve. I am lucky to have a home. I am lucky to have a body that is not in pain. I am grateful for my program, and to be working on day sixty-one. Tomorrow, I will have two months without an ounce of alcohol. I may have achieved this several times in the last couple of years, but this time feels different. I am fully immersed in the program, I am doing the spiritual and the personal work, while attending at least one meeting everyday. Perhaps that is why things seem harder, because I am searching and aiming for the actual root of ALL my addiction, and it is painful. Life is painful. Pain is real. There is anguish, hopelessness, and shame on the recovery road. But, if I am strong enough to look at this, and to sit with this, maybe I can let the love and the light in in order to find another way to live. 

So, in your gratitude today, what do you have that God has provided, that some other person does not have? Grab onto that, sink into the blessing, and know that you are not alone. The grief will come; let it pass through. Shed the tears that have been waiting in the wings. And tell yourself you are okay, right now, right where you are. If everything seems wrong, just wait, and as the rain clears, which it will, you may find that what looks like hell is truly shining brass just waiting for light and the sun of god to shine upon it after the storm. Sit tight. You’ve got this.