Acceptance

I have been asked to reflect upon the word acceptance in recovery. The third definition of the word, describes agreement with an idea, and a willingness to tolerate a difficult or unpleasant situation. Alcoholism fits this definition. Living without alcohol is difficult. In my recovery, I have been asked to acknowledge that I abuse, use, and crave liquor. I know this is a fact. When I had a job, even though it was very part-time due to my disability, I would crave to drink after my shifts. In recovery, both with schizoaffective disorder and alcoholism, I need to acknowledge the fact that I am at my best when I accept my disability fully, and do not work. This is another fact, idea, that I need to accept in recovery. My craving for alcohol lessened as I gave up work, but I still needed the program of Alcoholics Anonymous to successfully remove alcohol from my life. I am excited to lean into the program. I have longed for a group of people, a support group and system, and have been pleasantly surprised at how AA operates as a “wheel”, so to speak. It is a system and a network, that is already in place, that provides care for many who are on the recovery path of physical, mental, and spiritual wellbeing. In acceptance, I face how I must acknowledge that alcohol is a craving that I experience, and a true threat to my wellbeing overall. I am ready to do this. I want to do this. I can only pray to God and my Higher Power, that I bring the acceptance into my deep inner-self that I am alcoholic, so that I may then move forward and embark upon a journey; one that invites health and healing into my life.

Not all, but many alcoholics, have some type of mental illness. Alcohol aggravated my mental illness. It kept my medications from having their full effect. It kept me cut off from the cord that I call God, that aids in being in full self-reflection and awareness. I was unable to fully experience my spiritual self. Through acceptance, I became able to deal with the grief and sorrow that the world, and life, had placed at my doorstep. I read a meme once on Facebook, that one cannot fully discuss the issue of mental illness without discussing alcohol. The two go hand and hand for many people, myself included, though not everyone suffers with mental illness to the degree that I do. I was not as responsible as I could have been throughout my thirties. I was in denial, and I was not in acceptance concerning alcohol. I wanted a spiritual life; I went to church and yoga. But, it wasn’t until I gave up work, it wasn’t until my mental illness flared up at 37 years old, that I took a real look at what alcohol had become for me. A coping mechanism to the max, I now discovered myself with two decades of abuse of the substance, and the need to become sober felt essential. There were many signs. I was not enjoying being intoxicated, my finances were suffering, and I had a few notches on my belt concerning acts that I had performed while drunk, and I was not proud of them… permanent blemishes that I wished I could make go away. Still, here I was, at 37 years old, having a major episode after nine years of “stability” with mental illness, and finally realizing that I needed to give up drinking. It took me five years, as I am now 42, to fully accept the need for help on this path of recovery and sobriety. Acceptance, true acceptance, is no small feat. I have now overcome the denial of this problem, alcoholism, and have entered the humbling world of acceptance. I am on the path, a path that I have secretly longed for. I accept that alcohol is a harmful force and entity in my life. Please God, let this sink in, and allow stable footing on the road to come.

Luckily, I have been embraced by the most beautiful sponsorship that I can imagine. Right off the bat, I knew it was a gift from God, because there were signs. I have not been able to imagine myself in this role, but that is okay, because I am on step one, not step twelve. I believe that when I get to step twelve, as I plan, that I will have learned much from the experience of being sponsored, and will have gained the skills that I need to pass this program on to another suffering alcoholic. The acceptance journey has involved becoming honest. Honestly, I was not happy. Alcohol was playing a significant role in my unhappiness. I need to acknowledge hope, hope for the fact that I can find a happy life. I need to let in the concept of self-love, and that I actually deserve a happy life. These things are completely wrapped up in accepting that I am an alcoholic. I want it to stick. Acceptance is not just a glimmer at the fact of alcoholism, it is a deep feeling that sinks into ones bones. It involves humbling oneself, and shining light on our misery. One could easily choose to avoid such a thing, and choose to go on in suffering. It takes a lot of courage to fully accept the road of recovery, and I pray that I have found it, that I stay, and that it sticks.