Aleluia

I found myself yesterday utterly exhausted. It does not feel like I have been doing that much. My house is moderately clean and organized. I am caught up on laundry and dishes, but the floors need attention. The lawn is mowed, but the bathrooms need cleaning. I am doing my best. I am also in need of managing my mental illness during a difficult time of year, as well as attending to my partner who is completely dependent on a walker and cannot stand on his own. I must continue to find time for restorative time at the willow tree, and time for release and exercise at the gym. I must remember to step back and take a good look at my life in all its perspective. There is so much to be grateful for. I live in a beautiful home. I have been swimming in the tranquil pond, and I have been visiting my mother’s hot tub on her deck with a beautiful view of the valley. I can write my thoughts. I can attend AA support meetings. I can just lay in my covers with the window open and watch the clouds float by in the endless sky. I can remember to laugh and giggle with my partner of 24 years. I can cherish the time we have had these last two and a half decades to learn, grow, and experience many things.

Yesterday, I found myself becoming upset and yelling. I do this very rarely in my sobriety. Today I have eight months once again. I have been attending 12 step meetings for almost three years, but it has taken a lot to completely expunge alcohol from my life. My partner still drinks and that is okay. The world continues to go on, and I know that there are things beyond my control. Relinquishing control, and accepting all that is, is part of my program. It is in the serenity prayer that we say at the beginning and end of every meeting. I must accept the things that I cannot change. I must also have courage to change the things I can. I have found that I must start with myself. I joined AA and not Alanon, because I knew I needed to start with me. I knew that I must focus on my own addictive behavior in my life. For three years I have been attending meetings, abstaining from drinking alcohol for months and months on end, and I have learned to control things such as my anger and compulsivity. But, yesterday was one of those days that I just needed to stop. There was a sense that I was not taking care of myself, and today, after spending most of the day resting yesterday, I feel much better.

I know I have made a lot of progress in the program, because I am able to handle the added responsibility that I have had to deal with as of late. I have risen to the occasion, and I have had to accept some very difficult realities. I am deeply saddened by my partner’s decline in health, and I am also hesitant to believe that I will be able to hold him up as well as hold the added responsibilities around the house. It is my job to go to the store. I must care for the dog. I must clean and cook. I must bring him things and help him shower. I must continue to manage my own mental and physical heath by attending meetings and the gym. I must continue to deal with my parents and try to bee a good Aunt and sister. I must keep up on my writing because it feeds my soul. I must check in with the few friends I have on a regular basis. I must also take time to relax. I know that many people out there in the world are struggling with their day to day lives, and we all must simply put one foot in front of the other, while staying in the moment and learning to do the next right thing. Luckily, with the spiritual program of AA, as well as my weekly Quaker meeting, I am learning to gain perspective on life. There are challenges, and there are also so many blessings.