Finding Worth
Western thinking has so many flaws. We are raised to be achievers, with dreams that we might one day be truly famous. Every little girl and boy and them grows up idolizing someone at the top. But this way of thinking can also be our demise as we grow into mature individuals. I have had to face the concept of success as a musician, as a painter, and now a writer. Turns out publishing a book isn’t too hard, but promoting and selling your work can take a huge amount of energy and resources. I am happy publishing my blog today on my website, and focusing full time on my sobriety, my recovery and my mental health.
In twelve step programs we learn about the flaws that we carry that pull us down. One of mine is perfectionism. My evaluation my second year in preschool deemed me a perfectionist, and it is just one of many flaws us alcoholics and addicts have in common. We also suffer from a kind of narcissism and pride where we put ourselves first above any other. This often evokes behavior, while in active addiction, where we do harm to those we love. Often we do not give ourselves the credit we deserve for the things we do; either because we are not reaching exceedingly high standards, or because our self-esteem and self-worth is in the gutter.
Spending time with, and talking with a good friend of mine, who is native and has a psychology degree, I have loved listening to the different ways that one can view themselves and society. We all suffer from pain, and this is not only physical. There is value to things like nature and motherhood, or living with psychological pain and trouble, that western thinking still does not value. I have learned, being close to this friend, that even the plants we see as weeds in our pastures have medicinal value. I feel this today with my alcoholism. I told my sponsor today, while discussing the trait of not giving myself enough credit, that I was happy this was me because it might point the way to understanding myself more as an alcoholic. I am proud to be a mental health consumer, and I am proud to be an alcoholic. This is because in these traits and difficulties, I have found great meaning and the road to being a better person. I have learned about things such as “spiritual teflon”, and giving myself the much needed credit that I deserve. And most of all, I have been humbled to the point where I have quashed my ego and the pursuit of unreasonable, and even harmful, goals and dreams.
Don’t get me wrong, I know that there is room for a few people at the top, and I still find myself idolizing certain celebrities while benefiting greatly from their entertainment. I no longer, however, feel the need to place myself there with them, even in my wildest dreams. What my wildest dreams consist of now, is giving myself the proper credit for balancing a serious mental illness, for cleaning my house, and caregiving for my partner. There is real, true value to be had in my life just the way it is. If I can get out of my own way, continue to act in service for those around me, pray, and practice a good spiritual program and life, I just may find myself at peace within. I crave to see this true value of self. I am ready to let go of false dreams that feed my tired ego, and I am ready to take responsibility for all that I am.
Most of all, I am worthy. I am worthy without becoming famous, or making a lot of money at one of my crafts. I am so grateful to be able to write for you today, and if you are just one of a handful of people who read this blog, I am grateful to have reached you. I hope to look at my life, and value what I can do and not what I cannot. My disability and my alcoholism have taught me so much. I can find the answers I need to in the most vulnerable and heavy parts of my spirit, and I can find others on this path so to know that I am not alone in doing so. I am happy to give up my need to be special, and perhaps in doing so, I will find my worth, my true worth, and that I am more than enough just as I am.