There are a lot of things that can get in the way of living life according to God’s will, or living a life where we hope the spirit or light will speak through us in our words and action. Unfortunately, we have character flaws, traumas, egos, and addictive behaviors that can cut us off from the divine. There are practices however, that can help us reconnect with the divine. We can practice meditation or sitting in silence to clear our minds, we can practice prayer, and we can pause and collect ourselves before acting or speaking. Right now, I am facing an addiction that has roots in my early teen years. I suffered a lot during these early years of later adolescence and young adulthood. I found that I could use drugs and alcohol, including smoking. I used my eating disorder and actions such as binging, purging and starving myself in a desperate effort to escape feelings of inadequacy. I also had an ugly little habit of stealing things. My bulimia anorexia and my kleptomania stayed with me in various degrees until I turned nineteen and met my partner of twenty five years. He helped my put a permanent plug in my stealing and behaviors connected to my eating disorder. I also gave up psychedelics and marijuana, and avoided trying other drugs. Still, I continued to practice smoking cigarettes and drinking alcohol. These practices of cutting myself off from my feelings stayed with me through my twenties and thirties. I now do not drink, and am cutting back in order to attempt to quit smoking.

Tapping into unresolved feelings that have been with me since my teens, and bringing understanding and resolve to my younger self is paramount in understanding where these addictive behaviors began, and in attempting to heal myself through and through so I do not need to practice active addiction in my life. Connecting to god, a higher power, the light and spirit, and finding ways to bring understanding and compassion to my past self, is essential to continuing forward on the road of healing for myself. Humility, gratitude, patience, silence, selflessness, service, sharing, vulnerability… these are all things I have brought into my life to find a spiritual path.

There are things that I need to do to stay healthy. I need to practice good hygiene, I need to keep a clean house, I need to exercise and eat well, I need to take my medication and attend therapy, doctors appointments, and recovery meetings. But without worship, for me, I lack the ability to fully get outside of myself and find healing for the character flaws that are all wrapped up in my addictive behaviors. Sitting in stillness in worship with other people at Quaker meeting, attending a chanting meditation or practicing this on my own, praying to god or Jesus to show me the way, sitting in nature; these are things that help me peel away the layers of my suffering. Healthy habits, being vulnerable at recovery meetings, and acts of selfless service all supplement the journey. I also attend secular meetings, because the philosopher and free thinker inside of me must be heard as well. I believe questioning faith or the existence of a God is healthy. Still, I return to prayer, silence, and meditation in order to foster a stillness that allows in something greater than me, in order to find the perspective and healing that I need.

I truly believe that God is everywhere and in everything. Because of that, I do not think that God or Jesus requires our belief. Agnostics and believers are equal in the eye of the almighty. That is the true beauty of it. That is how I know I was loved and guided even when I was a hard core agnostic. God doesn’t really care if we believe or not. But there remains a spirit, an essence, a light behind and hidden in all things. Everything matters and nothing matters. I am everything and I am nothing. The beauty is that I can stop at any moment and feel the presence of the Lord. They are in absolutely in every atom, in every breath, in every blade of grass, in every moment past present and future. God is so omnipotent that nothing is required of us, even our belief. For my healing journey, it is helpful to understand that the presence of the spirit is in everything. Even in my mistakes and addictive choices I have made. I see it. I cannot help it anymore. So I remind myself as I lean into the journey of quitting smoking, that there is an essence in the world that is pure and absent of suffering. Addiction is very much about suffering. I long to be free, and to be in tune with the force I call God that I believe is everywhere and in everything. Trusting this I can feel the connection I need to heal.