Honor Yourself

How do you honor yourself? The other night I had a dream that I was to be given five awards for five things that I do exceptionally well. I was not told what these five things were, so I have been meditating on this to see if I could come up with them. I have thought deeply about how revolutionary this is for me. Living with a disability, I have often judged myself for not being able to achieve what I maybe should or could in my adult life. I have thought less of myself. But my healing journey right now is calling me to find the courage to honor myself, even if it is just for daily living. It is my fantasy, so allow me to entertain myself for a moment.

I live successfully with a debilitating mental illness. I manage my medications, see a therapist and a psychiatrist, and manage regular symptoms with skills that I have gained throughout the years. I also write on my blog, am a poet, and wrote a book. I attend recovery meetings, a least one a day, and have several service positions in these meetings. I attend the gym regularly and am incredibly disciplined about my attendance. And five; maybe it could be that I am dedicated to my family, have a successful partnership, or that I have a spiritual practice involving sitting mediation and attending worship gatherings regularly. The point of this exercise is to show myself that I put in the effort, and that I excel in these various avenues. This practice of honoring myself feels a bit strange, but I see it as a necessary evolution in my journey to find my authentic self, and to find healing in my body, brain and spirit.

Getting a grasp on reality has been a long time challenge of mine. I live with psychosis and often have to challenge my thoughts to see if they are real. Unfortunately, this also gets in the way of giving myself credit for the little things. I think my veering off from reality often comes in the way of denying myself. On this healing journey, I long to fill in the empty cavities of my personal experience with love and respect for all that I do and have done. When I look back on my life, I spent a lot of time striving to accomplish something, even while living with acute mental illness. I attended community college after community college, I painted, took art classes, and applied to an artist coop. I trained in Peer Counseling with DSHS. I drove to hike in the mountains and sit by the river, as well as camped in the mountains regularly. I attended yoga classes and swam laps in the pool. I worked many different jobs; as an early childhood professional, pizza delivery driver, chair lift operator at the ski resort, at a curio shop, at Jamba Juice, and at a video store just to name a few. I wrote a memoir when I was 23. I made it half way through massage school. I’ve had a handful or art shows and sold many paintings. I worked at the Chamber of Commerce for three and a half years. I worked at our taco booth for five. I sold paintings at the farmers market and served on their board as Secretary. And all this time my self-worth was in the gutter. I had mental illness and had gained weight on the meds. I had healed as much as I thought I could from my eating disorder, but still longed to be attractive. I had lost touch with many friends due to mental illness.

The reality is that I have done exceptionally well considering my challenges. This is reality. My search for reality includes finding myself amidst the challenges. Yes, I have had many major and minor breakdowns, but this does not erase all of these major and minor successes. If anything, it frames them in pure gold. I can honor myself, maybe even give myself a few imaginary medals for what I have been able to excel at. Having a loving and respectful relationship with my nuclear family is a huge success, for example, with mental illness or without. I love my parents and we get along swimmingly. My sister respects me. I have a close relationship with my seven year old niece.

All of life’s maintenance deserves respect. Whether you are recovering from an addiction, living with a mental illness, or simply dealing with the stress of life, remember to honor yourself for things that may seem small, but are epic when you put them in perspective. This may be cooking a meal, vacuuming the floor, going to the gym or attending church. Everything we do matters. And I believe we should pick up a token or accept an award sometimes for merely surviving. Not everybody does survive. Remember that. Not only gratitude for what we have, but pure appreciation for all we do and live with. You are a success! Don’t forget to honor yourself.