The Pill of Perspective

Today, I viewed a post on Instagram of a very sweet young woman that I follow that is also an author and a mental health advocate for people all around the world. She is in the UK, and she recently regressed to some self-harm behavior and had two suicide attempts. She seems to be bouncing back today, and I am very grateful, because she has done so much to manage and improve her mental health over the last couple of years. Resilience, resilience, resilience… there is always hope. I was struck with perspective, and I felt so fortunate to be living the life that I am living despite current trials and challenges. The contrast of my current situation to the situation of this young woman sunk into my being. The last couple of summers I have slipped into manic and psychotic behavior, tainted with the occasional depressive moment that can accompany mania, and I am very aware that I am healthier and better medicated at this moment. I am hearing of story after story of folks that have gone off of their meds and are getting into all sorts of trouble and poor situations. I have never practiced self-harm, and I have so much compassion for these patients.

This morning, though it was challenging to sweep the floor and move the furniture to practice my daily dance workout, I persevered. Then I sat on the porch drinking water out of my quart jar, and had a check-in with my husband. Not only has there been a lot of activity in my home sanctuary, as we are on week three of a dual-bathroom remodel with a couple of weeks still to go, the sun is strong and shining bright. There is extra work around the property pulling weeds, watering, managing my herb garden, and mowing the lawns. I don’t know if I will get to the work that needs to be done today, and I am holding the photo of this young woman in the UK in my mind in her hospital robe with bandages on her arms. Perspective and gratitude are amazing medicines. I am choosing to extend prayers to @redefining_normal, miss Ceylan, that she can be reminded that even though life is not perfect, there is so much to live for and God loves us all.

Ceylan provided me a gift today. The gift of a reminder that is potent and full of medicine. Similar to the way an addict or alcoholic can feel finally seen in a twelve step program with their peers, it is important for me to remember that there are others whose sole job is to stay out of the hospital year after year. Sometimes this reality makes me cry, as it is a hard reality to swallow. When I see a peer putting their story out in the world with unabashed resoluteness, I feel healed and inspired; a gift from God. Last evening, Steve and I discussed the endless metaphor that the plant world provides regarding the human experience. I have a robust and very happy azalea in my yard. It came from a strangled pot on my mothers deck, and was abandoned with bare roots on the compost pile for an entire week before I grabbed her and planted her in my back yard. It is almost as if the hardship of her early life, and the shock of neglect where she was literally left for dead, gave the little bush the strength to become one of the most beautiful and robust azaleas that I have ever seen. This spring she bloomed in her fullness, fuchsia  flowers covering every single surface and leaf. She has sprouted growth that is green and very much alive. If she hadn’t escaped a hard situation, would she have produced such magnificent growth? 

I need to see the faces of my peers; those doing the best they can to live with diagnosis of serious mental illness and that cope with life, stay out of the hospital, and ultimately learn to thrive with the challenges that they have been faced with. It is the manic edge of the year for so many that struggle with mental illness. That, coupled with the extreme situation of Covid-19, suicide rates have reached all-time highs, and many are off their meds or are ill. Around winter solstice the hospital fills with depressives, and during summer solstice and the months surrounding, the hospitals fill with manic cases. There are also low moments that balance the mania, and in the winter there is often psychosis that accompanies depression. I have heard stories from friends whose family members are struggling greatly as this season of light and pandemic apply endless pressure upon us. Bringing awareness to mental health right now, will help us recognize and manage our own mental health, while supporting family members and peers that suffer. Ceylan reminded me today, I am not alone living with illness, and that I have so much to be grateful for; balance, health, the ability to rest, and the community that supports me. As I take my meds at night, I am baffled by the science that goes into the little pills that make my brain work correctly. What a blessing. What an amazing and beautiful world. Thank you Lord, for my medications, my doctors and family, as well as all of the people in the world that see me and allow me to see them in their true and sometimes troubling conditions.